I intended to do another post on adoption since I kinda have a theme going here for a moment but we came home from Little Man's hearing test and I started sorting mail. It went from there to sorting clothes then toys and all of the sudden the evening is gone, I have taken at least two fill trash bags out of the house and have a pile for donations. So, I have done quite a bit of sorting. This is a good thing.
Unfortunately it means you guys don't get much of a post. I don't know where this mood came from but I wish it would strike more often. Another dozen or so evenings like this one and my house might actually be ready to move.
Oh, and Little Man's hearing test went great - his hearing was perfect this time and the ear tubes look good - ears clean, dry, and healthy. Stupid pediatrician - why in the world did they not do this sooner!!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Anniversary!!
Today is one year since we met Little Man!! Its hard to connect the shy passive little guy we met with our Little Man today. Both are cute as a button for sure. But then he looked like such a baby - now he is such a little boy. We saw little glimmers of the tornado of mischief he would become. The first time we saw that naughty little grin is when we knew for sure he was ours. He could be coaxed into playing and fun but it took work. Otherwise it was like there was an ancient old man in that little body.
Now a days the habit of sitting staring off into space and sighing as if the weight of the world has settled over him is definately gone. Actually, I don't think he sits still at all now unless its for story time and even that if full of typical little boy squirming. I couldn't have imagined how much more I would love him now than I already did a year ago and how completely he would rule my life.
Happy one year Little Man!!
Monday, November 2, 2009
I gotta ask
Why do people want everything to be absolute? The world is such an conditional, imperfect place and we all spend so much of our time coping with it every damn day that you'd think we would develop some capacity for dealing with it. Yeah, I'm on a tear about the competing adoption factions again. The "adoption is always a miracle" team vs the "adoption is always a crime" folks.
My family has an unusual amount of experience with adoption. My grand mother was adopted, as were 4 of my six siblings, three of my cousins, and my first husband. My son is adopted. (I am not personally an adoptee so one thing you won't hear me say is that I know how it feels to be adopted. Because I don't. And although some of the people I know that were have talked at length with me about it - that still does not qualify me to discuss what it feels like to be adopted. )
Based on my experiences I do feel at least as qualified to spew forth as some folks I read or hear from. The thing that's got me all irritated at the moment is some bozo that told me "children should never ever be adopted by strangers. That just rips them from their roots and heritage and destroys their sense of self." He went on and on at some length but that covers the gist of it.
Um yeah - let me share a little history for one of my adopted siblings. The woman who bore my sibling had 4 children - 2 girls and 2 boys all with different biological fathers. One girl was placed in a closed stranger adoption. The other girl was placed with her biological father. One boy went to the sister of his biological father and one to the sister of his biological mother.
The "stranger" adopted girl grew up in a healthy, functional, and loving home (her words), graduated collage became a teacher and has a family of her own now. For the record this is not my sibling so no I am not skewing the assessment to make my family look good.
The girl given back to her father adjusted well and was happy with him - until her coke addled mother kidnapped her at the age of 13. The mother was working as a stripper and a prostitute. She pimped out her daughter for the first time at the age of 14. (Nice how open placement worked out for her isn't it?)
The boy placed with his paternal aunt was beaten and abused so severely that he developed serious psychological and personality disorders. When he was finally removed from that home he was so damaged that when placed in foster care he tried to kill one of the other children (strangling, stabbing, and even trying to drown a younger child). He died of a drug overdose in his 20s. (Biological placement certainly was the best spot for him, no?)
The second boy did quite well in his maternal aunt's family until the age of 5 when the coke whore kidnapped him as well. He lived back stage at the strip club watching her and his half sister turning tricks. Bio mom also had him carrying drugs while selling flowers on street corners. She shipped him across country on a bus at age 11 - that's right alone cross country - back to his aunt because he was "too much trouble to deal with". His aunt got him LOADS of therapy but he never really fully integrated back into the family. He has lived a pretty nomadic and disconnected life but managed to do decently well for himself although he does have a drinking problem. (Again a triumph of open bio placement, yes?)
So, what am I trying to say here - that only stranger adoption is good? That all open adoption is bad? NO!! A hundred thousand times NO. I could also rattle off loads of cases of adopted children abused by non related adoptive parents. But neither can people say all stranger adoption is bad. Or that children are always best off with their birth mother or biological families.
Absolutes like that only work in fantasy not reality. Reality is messy. No one answer works for every situation and every child. I get just as irritated with the "every adoption is a miracle" crowd because if that were true - how do you explain the children killed by their adoptive parents (22 fatalities in since 1996)?
I'm sorry guys but both sides need to pull their heads out of the sand (or their asses). Adoption IS a necessary process in the real world. It is NOT always the right answer though. Open adoption is not always better than closed. Or vice versa. I'm sorry but this is just not a topic you can reduce to simple answers. Deal with it. The children involved have to.
My family has an unusual amount of experience with adoption. My grand mother was adopted, as were 4 of my six siblings, three of my cousins, and my first husband. My son is adopted. (I am not personally an adoptee so one thing you won't hear me say is that I know how it feels to be adopted. Because I don't. And although some of the people I know that were have talked at length with me about it - that still does not qualify me to discuss what it feels like to be adopted. )
Based on my experiences I do feel at least as qualified to spew forth as some folks I read or hear from. The thing that's got me all irritated at the moment is some bozo that told me "children should never ever be adopted by strangers. That just rips them from their roots and heritage and destroys their sense of self." He went on and on at some length but that covers the gist of it.
Um yeah - let me share a little history for one of my adopted siblings. The woman who bore my sibling had 4 children - 2 girls and 2 boys all with different biological fathers. One girl was placed in a closed stranger adoption. The other girl was placed with her biological father. One boy went to the sister of his biological father and one to the sister of his biological mother.
The "stranger" adopted girl grew up in a healthy, functional, and loving home (her words), graduated collage became a teacher and has a family of her own now. For the record this is not my sibling so no I am not skewing the assessment to make my family look good.
The girl given back to her father adjusted well and was happy with him - until her coke addled mother kidnapped her at the age of 13. The mother was working as a stripper and a prostitute. She pimped out her daughter for the first time at the age of 14. (Nice how open placement worked out for her isn't it?)
The boy placed with his paternal aunt was beaten and abused so severely that he developed serious psychological and personality disorders. When he was finally removed from that home he was so damaged that when placed in foster care he tried to kill one of the other children (strangling, stabbing, and even trying to drown a younger child). He died of a drug overdose in his 20s. (Biological placement certainly was the best spot for him, no?)
The second boy did quite well in his maternal aunt's family until the age of 5 when the coke whore kidnapped him as well. He lived back stage at the strip club watching her and his half sister turning tricks. Bio mom also had him carrying drugs while selling flowers on street corners. She shipped him across country on a bus at age 11 - that's right alone cross country - back to his aunt because he was "too much trouble to deal with". His aunt got him LOADS of therapy but he never really fully integrated back into the family. He has lived a pretty nomadic and disconnected life but managed to do decently well for himself although he does have a drinking problem. (Again a triumph of open bio placement, yes?)
So, what am I trying to say here - that only stranger adoption is good? That all open adoption is bad? NO!! A hundred thousand times NO. I could also rattle off loads of cases of adopted children abused by non related adoptive parents. But neither can people say all stranger adoption is bad. Or that children are always best off with their birth mother or biological families.
Absolutes like that only work in fantasy not reality. Reality is messy. No one answer works for every situation and every child. I get just as irritated with the "every adoption is a miracle" crowd because if that were true - how do you explain the children killed by their adoptive parents (22 fatalities in since 1996)?
I'm sorry guys but both sides need to pull their heads out of the sand (or their asses). Adoption IS a necessary process in the real world. It is NOT always the right answer though. Open adoption is not always better than closed. Or vice versa. I'm sorry but this is just not a topic you can reduce to simple answers. Deal with it. The children involved have to.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Rain Rain go Away
From miserable drizzle to out right down pour it seems thatis all we have had for days and days now. Its washed away the best of our fall color and kept the kids cooped up inside. We'd all love some sunny days here again soon please!! We had to trick or treat at the mall to keep dry. As a mom - I kind of like that. Gets great marks ofr safety. (Althought he noise and crowds kind of suck) But I remember trick or treating door to door as a kid and the spooky walk up each drive inthe dark and the way each house was decorated. Some how this way seems to loose some of the thrill. Its very Mc Holiday.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Catching up
Seems like I'm always trying to do that these days. Work, as we approach the final days, is nuttier than usual. And when the kids are awake I'd rather focus on them than the computer. Once they are asleep, its laundry and chores time. None of which is any different than any average household and none of which makes for fascinating reading.
I should catch some of the folks that still read up on how Little Man and Eden are doing though.
Eden has gotten through the worst of her jealous stage I think. Sure we still get a little of the you are holding him so I must climb into your lap too - stuff but I think its all pretty typical of any sibling that has been an only for so long. She is an amazing big sister too. She just loves helping with Little Man and playing with him.
He clearly enjoys his big sister as well. He does not say her name yet but has started with the first syllable recently so she is "E".
His speech overall - post tubes took a step back to move forward I think. He had started putting together some two and three word sentences like "Shoes on Bye bye", or "I yuv you" or "cup juice please" and he was counting 1-5. Immediately after the tubes we seem to have lost all sentences. We started dropping things from the middle - the only numbers now are 2 and 5. "I yuv you" is just "I you". He is however making more sounds spontaneously and imitating a wider range of sounds than he did before and many of his single words are much clearer and more understandable. I think he is getting the foundations ready for a language spurt.
He did ok with Mama being gone for a few days while at home it seems. Slept through the night and ate for Daddy. But the teachers at school said they had quite a time with him. He became a little Houdini on them - constantly slipping out of his class room and running down the halls to stand at the glass entrance doors pressed right up to them and resisting being returned to class. He also got very clingy with a "comfort object" (remember the green frog?). That is something we had not seen for awhile. Now that I have been home for a bit those things have stopped but I've noticed he is much more easily upset by minor changes in routine than he was before my trip. (This worries me since as we work thorough the closing and getting into a new position there may have to be more short separations.)
Potty training is not really progressing much. He likes to try and go big boy style (standing rather than sitting) but rarely actually does anything in the potty. Its still more of a accident of timing when he does happen to go in the potty. But I continue to ask him if he wants to go and if he says yes (I do often get "no" too) then we try. If we happen to manage to actually go then we make a very big fuss over it.
We had a full workup of developmental evaluations again since he has turned three. After six months at home he has closed all the gaps in his gross and fine motor skills. His cognitive development still shows maybe a 3 - 6 month lag although with the language gap that is hard to pin down precisely. It is still nice improvement over his initial assessment. Language is still trailing for Little Man but the assessment was done only a few days after his tubes were put in. After the surgery his specialist told me that although he had not had much trouble with infection since he has been home the fluid in the ears had thickened to the consistency of paste and was most certainly causing issues. The reason we had not done the tubes earlier was his pediatrician was sure since there was no infection it was not an issue. Moron. The "glue ear" WAS impacting his hearing and thus language acquisition. Hopefully as he starts with his new speech therapist he will begin to make better progress here too.
I hope I don't give the impression that I think Little Man has to be "fixed" or achieve some certain something. I'm not concerned with that at all. I think he is just perfect as he is. But I know from trouble Eden has had in school that other kids are cruel to people who are different and that doing poorly in school causes all sorts of emotional distress for a child. Little Man is such a happy go lucky guy. He has a totally charming and disarming personality. Even people who generally dislike children seem to enjoy to him. I want to give him every help and advantage I can. I don't want to see problems in school, or mean little bullies, or anything else changing that happy nature. My most important goal for Little Man is that he be happy and healthy.
Eden is doing much better in school this year. We rarely have any bad days and the notes home are completely gone. She is however having all kinds of issues at home with her mom. We seem to get a call or two a week about some sort of screaming tantrum she is throwing with her mom. I don't understand it. We never see that kind of thing here. She has her moments like any 9 year old sure. But the yelling and hysteria and throwing things etc. nope - not at all.
I think it has a lot to do with the guy her mom is seeing. I do not consider him a good influence on Eden or her mom. They take my little girl (yes I KNOW she is my step child and Liz is her "real" mom - give me a break - it doesn't change how I feel) out with them to the Eagles Club - essentially a bar 3 or 4 nights a week. She watches the men shoot pool or plays the bar video games or sometimes the boyfriend buys her scratch tickets. They do not get her home until 10 at night and she eats pub grub for dinner (chicken nuggets, cheese sticks fries pizza). the nights they don't go there she gets drive through Mc Donalds. The child is constantly constipated because there is zero veggies or fruit in her diet. I think Eden is jealous of the time and attention her mom is spending on this new guy. And I think Liz placates Eden most of the time by giving in to unreasonable demands so when she does try to be firm we get the histrionics. I am also sure there is no way at all I can point any of this out. So I just sit and watch Eden suffer through it. I wish so much there was some way to just have her with us full time and let her visit with her mom. Liz has been a wonderful mom up till now. Maybe she just needs some focused "me" time but unfortunately Eden is not old enough to be put on a back burner yet - Liz has at least another 9 years of full time mom duty unless she is willing to let us take her. And I know she loves her daughter so I do not see that happening. Edward is afraid to push the issue because he is worried it would cause problems with us having as open access to Eden as we do now. I see his worry. I wouldn't have thought Liz would react that way - but that was based on pre boyfriend Liz. I'm not so sure I could predict her now.
So there, you are caught up. Life is - Life. The sweet and the sour. I adore my kids. Most days I adore my husband. (some days I want to strangle him - and I'm sure he has the same) Work sucks but will be changing soon - for better or worse its too soon to say. Co parenting is hard. There's big news right? I mean we have had it amazingly easy up to now with Liz. I suppose we were due for some drama there.
Eden is going to be a vet for Halloween and Little Man is a Firefighter. They both look adorable in their costumes. I'm still struggling with the question of posting or not posting photos of them. I love showing them off but I feel like it is an invasion of their privacy.
I should catch some of the folks that still read up on how Little Man and Eden are doing though.
Eden has gotten through the worst of her jealous stage I think. Sure we still get a little of the you are holding him so I must climb into your lap too - stuff but I think its all pretty typical of any sibling that has been an only for so long. She is an amazing big sister too. She just loves helping with Little Man and playing with him.
He clearly enjoys his big sister as well. He does not say her name yet but has started with the first syllable recently so she is "E".
His speech overall - post tubes took a step back to move forward I think. He had started putting together some two and three word sentences like "Shoes on Bye bye", or "I yuv you" or "cup juice please" and he was counting 1-5. Immediately after the tubes we seem to have lost all sentences. We started dropping things from the middle - the only numbers now are 2 and 5. "I yuv you" is just "I you". He is however making more sounds spontaneously and imitating a wider range of sounds than he did before and many of his single words are much clearer and more understandable. I think he is getting the foundations ready for a language spurt.
He did ok with Mama being gone for a few days while at home it seems. Slept through the night and ate for Daddy. But the teachers at school said they had quite a time with him. He became a little Houdini on them - constantly slipping out of his class room and running down the halls to stand at the glass entrance doors pressed right up to them and resisting being returned to class. He also got very clingy with a "comfort object" (remember the green frog?). That is something we had not seen for awhile. Now that I have been home for a bit those things have stopped but I've noticed he is much more easily upset by minor changes in routine than he was before my trip. (This worries me since as we work thorough the closing and getting into a new position there may have to be more short separations.)
Potty training is not really progressing much. He likes to try and go big boy style (standing rather than sitting) but rarely actually does anything in the potty. Its still more of a accident of timing when he does happen to go in the potty. But I continue to ask him if he wants to go and if he says yes (I do often get "no" too) then we try. If we happen to manage to actually go then we make a very big fuss over it.
We had a full workup of developmental evaluations again since he has turned three. After six months at home he has closed all the gaps in his gross and fine motor skills. His cognitive development still shows maybe a 3 - 6 month lag although with the language gap that is hard to pin down precisely. It is still nice improvement over his initial assessment. Language is still trailing for Little Man but the assessment was done only a few days after his tubes were put in. After the surgery his specialist told me that although he had not had much trouble with infection since he has been home the fluid in the ears had thickened to the consistency of paste and was most certainly causing issues. The reason we had not done the tubes earlier was his pediatrician was sure since there was no infection it was not an issue. Moron. The "glue ear" WAS impacting his hearing and thus language acquisition. Hopefully as he starts with his new speech therapist he will begin to make better progress here too.
I hope I don't give the impression that I think Little Man has to be "fixed" or achieve some certain something. I'm not concerned with that at all. I think he is just perfect as he is. But I know from trouble Eden has had in school that other kids are cruel to people who are different and that doing poorly in school causes all sorts of emotional distress for a child. Little Man is such a happy go lucky guy. He has a totally charming and disarming personality. Even people who generally dislike children seem to enjoy to him. I want to give him every help and advantage I can. I don't want to see problems in school, or mean little bullies, or anything else changing that happy nature. My most important goal for Little Man is that he be happy and healthy.
Eden is doing much better in school this year. We rarely have any bad days and the notes home are completely gone. She is however having all kinds of issues at home with her mom. We seem to get a call or two a week about some sort of screaming tantrum she is throwing with her mom. I don't understand it. We never see that kind of thing here. She has her moments like any 9 year old sure. But the yelling and hysteria and throwing things etc. nope - not at all.
I think it has a lot to do with the guy her mom is seeing. I do not consider him a good influence on Eden or her mom. They take my little girl (yes I KNOW she is my step child and Liz is her "real" mom - give me a break - it doesn't change how I feel) out with them to the Eagles Club - essentially a bar 3 or 4 nights a week. She watches the men shoot pool or plays the bar video games or sometimes the boyfriend buys her scratch tickets. They do not get her home until 10 at night and she eats pub grub for dinner (chicken nuggets, cheese sticks fries pizza). the nights they don't go there she gets drive through Mc Donalds. The child is constantly constipated because there is zero veggies or fruit in her diet. I think Eden is jealous of the time and attention her mom is spending on this new guy. And I think Liz placates Eden most of the time by giving in to unreasonable demands so when she does try to be firm we get the histrionics. I am also sure there is no way at all I can point any of this out. So I just sit and watch Eden suffer through it. I wish so much there was some way to just have her with us full time and let her visit with her mom. Liz has been a wonderful mom up till now. Maybe she just needs some focused "me" time but unfortunately Eden is not old enough to be put on a back burner yet - Liz has at least another 9 years of full time mom duty unless she is willing to let us take her. And I know she loves her daughter so I do not see that happening. Edward is afraid to push the issue because he is worried it would cause problems with us having as open access to Eden as we do now. I see his worry. I wouldn't have thought Liz would react that way - but that was based on pre boyfriend Liz. I'm not so sure I could predict her now.
So there, you are caught up. Life is - Life. The sweet and the sour. I adore my kids. Most days I adore my husband. (some days I want to strangle him - and I'm sure he has the same) Work sucks but will be changing soon - for better or worse its too soon to say. Co parenting is hard. There's big news right? I mean we have had it amazingly easy up to now with Liz. I suppose we were due for some drama there.
Eden is going to be a vet for Halloween and Little Man is a Firefighter. They both look adorable in their costumes. I'm still struggling with the question of posting or not posting photos of them. I love showing them off but I feel like it is an invasion of their privacy.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Just plain wrong!!
The world is upside down - the universe has turned inside out - and I am not at home with my little man but instead on a business trip states and states away. Its the very first time I have ever been away from him overnight. Edward says he did fine going to bed. Mama however is not doing so well. I am never going to sleep tonight.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
What good does Insight do..
When it doesn't help you change anything?
It occurred to me as I watched the lovely sunset over the mountains this evening that part of the reason I am so stressed and depressed right now is that I am as worried about moving as Edward is. All along I have kept saying how much harder for him this is since I have lived so many places and all of his family is here, where I am used to being several states away from mine. But damn it – I DO like it here. I hated it when I first moved here but that was 15 years ago. Now, its home. And home is beautiful. Beautiful scenery, nice weather, low crime, little traffic, the kind of place most everyone (except truly confirmed urbanites) would love to live.
The reason it is the place it is though is because there is little to no industry and only light development in terms of housing and infrastructure. (Edward would argue this because of the amount that has gone in in the last few years but he doesn’t have the frame of reference I do having lived a LOT of other places.) So even when the rest of the country had super low unemployment there was always an issue of finding good jobs here. Right now – its nearly impossible. And I am not cut out to live on a financial tightrope.
I’m not the mercenary sort. I do like nice things and if I’m going to buy something will tend to buy toward the middle to upper middle range of what ever it is. But I can do without a lot. Both of us drive cars that are 5 or more years old. We don’t have any expensive electronics. Heck our TV is 22 inches and our “stereo” is a 10 year old “boom box” my brother bought for me one Christmas. We have a modest three bedroom home. What I cannot do without though, is enough money coming in to pay all the bills on time all the time, put gas in the cars, and food in the pantry. And I want to do it easily – with a little to spare in case there is something one of the kids really wants or a concert Edward and I would really like to see that comes up. Oh yeah, and some to put in their school funds and our retirement fund and at least a little in a savings account in case the dryer dies or we need a new fridge or something else unexpected.
I realize that is a lot more than many many people have. But I’m not saying its “right” or that I’m "entitled" to it or anything like that. Just that I know myself and its what I need to be ok. If I can’t afford those things I go into panic mode. I’ve lived on nothing but ramen noodles for three meals a day for weeks at a time before because I felt like that safety net cash was not there, or because I’d gotten overextended short term and would have had to pay a bill a week or two late. You could probably say I have “issues” about money and security. So the idea of being out of work sends me into an almost panic.
A lot of folks have recommended that I just go a head and be unemployed awhile and see if I can find something here “eventually”. You know part of me wishes I could. To stay home full time with little man for a while sounds like heaven. But I know myself. It would not be. I would not be the fun attentive mommy, playing games and teaching him new things. I’d be a crazed person, stressed, and snapping, and miserable all the time with worry over “what if”. What if one of us gets sick and we don’t have medical coverage for it? What if one or both of our pretty old vehicles croaks? What if I have not found something before unemployment runs out? What if being out of the workforce for however long makes me that much harder to be reemployed? What if some unforeseen expense gets us behind on the mortgage? And that is only if unemployment would give us enough to scrape by – which I have my doubts over. I would be making my family miserable with insane over the top economizing and my irrational moods. I know this – I don’t like it but it is who I am.
So I mostly just concentrate on the new job and new town and don’t admit – even to myself - that I WILL be sad to move if we go. I’ll miss this place, and our home, and my friends. I worry constantly about how we will keep Eden close when she is further away geographically.
I am sort of excited about the new job – it seems like it would be a fun challenge at least to get the business up and running. But God I wish it were a new challenge HERE. Wishing doesn’t change anything and still I wish it. I think some of Edward and my fighting is because I keep trying to push how good the change can be. Maybe he feels like I’m not listening or taking into account his concerns. The thing is I’m doing it to convince me as much as I am him. I think sometimes, because he loves me and believes in me, Edward is just blindly and wildly over optimistic about how I will just "find something". Like a job here making what I make now (is going to just fall from the sky into my lap like a miracle because that is what he wants. I belive in miracles but I belive God has a lot better things to do with them than this. I feel like – like it or hate it – there is no viable alternative for now.
It occurred to me as I watched the lovely sunset over the mountains this evening that part of the reason I am so stressed and depressed right now is that I am as worried about moving as Edward is. All along I have kept saying how much harder for him this is since I have lived so many places and all of his family is here, where I am used to being several states away from mine. But damn it – I DO like it here. I hated it when I first moved here but that was 15 years ago. Now, its home. And home is beautiful. Beautiful scenery, nice weather, low crime, little traffic, the kind of place most everyone (except truly confirmed urbanites) would love to live.
The reason it is the place it is though is because there is little to no industry and only light development in terms of housing and infrastructure. (Edward would argue this because of the amount that has gone in in the last few years but he doesn’t have the frame of reference I do having lived a LOT of other places.) So even when the rest of the country had super low unemployment there was always an issue of finding good jobs here. Right now – its nearly impossible. And I am not cut out to live on a financial tightrope.
I’m not the mercenary sort. I do like nice things and if I’m going to buy something will tend to buy toward the middle to upper middle range of what ever it is. But I can do without a lot. Both of us drive cars that are 5 or more years old. We don’t have any expensive electronics. Heck our TV is 22 inches and our “stereo” is a 10 year old “boom box” my brother bought for me one Christmas. We have a modest three bedroom home. What I cannot do without though, is enough money coming in to pay all the bills on time all the time, put gas in the cars, and food in the pantry. And I want to do it easily – with a little to spare in case there is something one of the kids really wants or a concert Edward and I would really like to see that comes up. Oh yeah, and some to put in their school funds and our retirement fund and at least a little in a savings account in case the dryer dies or we need a new fridge or something else unexpected.
I realize that is a lot more than many many people have. But I’m not saying its “right” or that I’m "entitled" to it or anything like that. Just that I know myself and its what I need to be ok. If I can’t afford those things I go into panic mode. I’ve lived on nothing but ramen noodles for three meals a day for weeks at a time before because I felt like that safety net cash was not there, or because I’d gotten overextended short term and would have had to pay a bill a week or two late. You could probably say I have “issues” about money and security. So the idea of being out of work sends me into an almost panic.
A lot of folks have recommended that I just go a head and be unemployed awhile and see if I can find something here “eventually”. You know part of me wishes I could. To stay home full time with little man for a while sounds like heaven. But I know myself. It would not be. I would not be the fun attentive mommy, playing games and teaching him new things. I’d be a crazed person, stressed, and snapping, and miserable all the time with worry over “what if”. What if one of us gets sick and we don’t have medical coverage for it? What if one or both of our pretty old vehicles croaks? What if I have not found something before unemployment runs out? What if being out of the workforce for however long makes me that much harder to be reemployed? What if some unforeseen expense gets us behind on the mortgage? And that is only if unemployment would give us enough to scrape by – which I have my doubts over. I would be making my family miserable with insane over the top economizing and my irrational moods. I know this – I don’t like it but it is who I am.
So I mostly just concentrate on the new job and new town and don’t admit – even to myself - that I WILL be sad to move if we go. I’ll miss this place, and our home, and my friends. I worry constantly about how we will keep Eden close when she is further away geographically.
I am sort of excited about the new job – it seems like it would be a fun challenge at least to get the business up and running. But God I wish it were a new challenge HERE. Wishing doesn’t change anything and still I wish it. I think some of Edward and my fighting is because I keep trying to push how good the change can be. Maybe he feels like I’m not listening or taking into account his concerns. The thing is I’m doing it to convince me as much as I am him. I think sometimes, because he loves me and believes in me, Edward is just blindly and wildly over optimistic about how I will just "find something". Like a job here making what I make now (is going to just fall from the sky into my lap like a miracle because that is what he wants. I belive in miracles but I belive God has a lot better things to do with them than this. I feel like – like it or hate it – there is no viable alternative for now.
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