Getting my S*** Together

Following the advice that the best way to pull yourself out of the dumps is to do something for someone else, I've gotten started on a project to help out the baby home Little Man came from. We stay in touch with the translator and the director via Skype and in our last call I asked if they could give me a list of things they currently need but don't have for the children.

We will be collecting clothing, bedding, OTC medicines and money for use in purchasing some new therapy equipment. I'm really happy to be doing something for them.

One of the women working on this is also helping out a young woman who has decided to keep her baby. Providing housing and baby sitting while the mom looks for work that would support them both. We have been discussing how we could potentially expand this locally to help more families stay together.

It's nice to have the pity party over. I can't say I feel better because I feel especially "good or virtuous". In fact now that I stop to think on it - I'd have to say I feel pretty selfish for not having been doing more all along. But I am too busy to sit and whine which is a major improvement.

Sob Story

So I'm sitting at my desk crying this morning. I feel like life is totally out of control. The fact is though, its just my emotions that are. And I really really HATE that. Little Man fell at school yesterday and rebroke his poor little nose so I think he is probably going to have to have surgery. And I have been so in and out of the office for the last two weeks I feel like I have no idea what is going on here. So we got the bad mom and bad employee clubs out to beat myself with. My house looks like a hurricane swept through and I have not cooked a dinner in I can't remember how long so check off the bad wife box too.

I don't even want to think about finances since the rental house has had furnace issues twice in the last month. And mu mom calls to tell me about all of my sisters problems and how my sister in law is so miserable waiting out these last few weeks of being pregnant and all I want to do is yell - what about ME. So add selfish there too.

I'm telling you - this mood has GOT to GO. Blech - I really do not like this me.

Keeping the Beat

So one of the recent reflections I had from “Simple Abundance” was on restoring a sense of rhythm to your lives. She makes an excellent point when she says “Children are not the only ones who need regular [schedules]. Their mothers do, too.” One of the things I enjoy and have always enjoyed about the crazy world of work at Mega Corp is that there is a very strong sense of rhythm or schedule. The steady drumbeat of the quarters and planning sessions that fall at the same time every year helps measure out and set the pace and plan – it’s the structure we hang all the rest of the insanity on.
I have always firmly believed that schedule was necessary to children – that they are more grounded, secure, and just plain happier with a set schedule. It only makes sense that adults, who were once those very same structure craving children, would appreciate the same. Maturity may make us able to appreciate the intentional deviation from schedule from time to time and also better able to tolerate the unintentional disruptions but I think we are conditioned to crave some underlying order. Look at how almost all cultures have some concept of “time”. True, many will not break it into artificial hours minutes, weeks etc. as we do. But all recognize the rhythm of day / night, and the seasonal changes, etc. This is one of those “Aha – well Duh” moments for me. You know when a perfectly OBVIOUS but pretty much ignored truth slaps you in the head.
The thing to ponder is what rhythm / schedule do I need to put back into my life. A regular bed time would probably be a big help. And I know getting back into regular Sunday church and weekly Bible study has been good for me. But I think there needs to be more. Ugh – this is going to lead into another one of those self-discipline positive habit building things again - I can see it already. There’s a Question of the Day for you. “Why is it so dang hard to build positive habits when the negative ones seem to take no work at all to develop?”

Frumpy

I am considering that maybe this mood is because I am feeling very frumpy and unattractive. I had my stylist match my hair color to its roots a month or so ago and this is the darkest I’ve ever worn my hair. My diet has stalled – I’m still 20 pounds down and know I should be celebrating that but at the moment all I see are the 40+ to go. Last night Little Man asked me “Mommy, what’s this?” about an honest to goodness wrinkle I have noticed but been determinedly ignoring in the mirror every morning. Since finally emerging from my very painful teen years I’ve honestly never cared much what other people thought of my looks. I personally spend very little time on them and always have. I rarely if ever wear makeup. I never choose hair styles that require more than wash and wear. My clothes are chosen with an eye to what fits, is comfortable, and practical. (In fact, until my husband objected, I wore all black since every item would always go together no matter what I pulled out of the closet. It simplified laundry too. I kind of miss my undertaker gear as he called it.)

I’m usually astonished if anyone other than my husband comments on my looks – regardless of whether it is a positive or negative comment. Normally my appearance is something that just doesn’t strike me as terribly significant, which is why this sudden preoccupation is annoying, and surprising, and quite frankly lowering as well. Am I really suddenly going to become vain at 44 years old? That’s a bit silly isn’t it? And yet here I am, fretting because nothing I pull out of my closet seems to look flattering to me all of the sudden. And because I feel dull and, well, not really old but certainly no longer young looking. And, oh hell, why not admit it, because that obnoxious drunk last week said, and yes this is a direct quote, “Well who else is going to try to pick YOU up?” I KNOW he was just being pissy because I told him to shove off, alright? And NO I really don’t want some drunken lout slobbering on me. That’s why I told him to shove off. I think what bugs me the most is that it bugs me. I’d have never thought twice about it before, no less needed to lecture myself on letting it go.

When I was a girl I used to wish I’d age to look exactly like my grandmother. She had silky dark brown hair threaded with silver and perfect porcelain white skin that draped softly over her bones. I never thought of her as wrinkly or having a double chin. I thought of her as the height of grace, ladylike demeanor, and mature beauty. Now here I am still 15 years younger than she was then pondering how much chin lifts and liposuction might cost. What in the HELL is wrong with me?
Screw it – time to shoe horn myself into my Spanx and put on my party dress. Little Man still wants to take me out – even if he does notice my wrinkles.

Not a Clue

I woke up today in such a mood and I have not a clue as to why. Just about everything makes me want to either cry or just run away. I love my husband and little man, my job (at least at the moment) is a breeze, my house is wonderfully clean (yes it is cleaning lady week - thank god for Terry) and NO I am not hormonal (that was last week!). So I have no idea why my idea of absolute heaven suddenly includes 3 or more days of having to see, hear from, or even think of no one at all. But it does. Hopefully this will pass in time for me to enjoy my "date" tomorrow. Right now all I want is to hole up in some hotel room somewhere where no one knows me and vegetate. Actually what I really, really want is for them to all disappear and let me do the same thing but in my own home. And like I said I have not one single clue why. So what I'll do instead is go home, feed my family, go to bible study, do laundry, then go to bed and hope I get up on the right side of it tomorrow.

Date Night

Momma’s got a hot date!! Little Man is taking me to the mother son Valentine’s dance this Friday night. I am so excited!! We should look just gorgeous for our photo – his black eyes match the color of my blue dress perfectly! Seriously, the swelling is much better and the ENT says he will have a slightly deviated septum but no permanent damage other than that. So someday I’ll be able to look back on the photos from the dance and it will all be a funny story about how he broke his nose. I’m still not finding it very amusing yet but I am starting to calm down a little.

Competitive Mothering

This post is dedicated to a good friend of mine. (In a reassuring positive way not as a smack down!!) You will find hundreds of mothers out there bragging about how their little genius is reading at 4, 3, 2.5 years old, walked at 12 months, got their teeth at 2 months and were already working on their Master’s thesis in the womb. And you know what? Some of them may be right - there little darling really is ahead of the statistical averages. But some are just deluding themselves. And for those that really are ahead at very early ages – there is no evidence at all that they will REMAIN “ahead”. Peaking early is not necessarily a good thing!! Most find their gains erased over time and some even end up with learning issues CAUSED by too much academic pressure too young.

Guess what? Little Man rolled over, sat, crawled, walked and talked late. At 5 and a half years he currently cannot tie his shoes, does not know all his lower case letters, can only count to about 30, and knows just 10 of the 25 sight words he's supposed to have memorized but he's healthy, happy, secure and LEARNING all those things.

He knows how and when to say please, thank you, excuse me, yes sir or ma’am and hold a door for others. He shares readily and is always quick to console others if he sees them upset. He knows he is loved for exactly who he is. If you ask him “Are you Mama’s boy” he’ll tell you “No Ma’am, I Mama’s TREASURE.” And we are all just fine with where he is at!

Want some opinions besides just mine? Check out this really excellent article:

Boston Globe

Or this scholarly paper that was one of its sources:

Waldorf Research Institute

Or this one for that matter:

Harvard School of Education

I could go on and on but instead I’ll just say to all you over achievers out there – remember The Tortoise and the Hare? Well Little Man, the turtle, and I will be happy to cheer for you when you make it to the finish line.