I HATE you!

That's right - you specifically, and you, and you, and you too. In fact at the moment I hate everyone in the world - with the exception of little man. (And he came close to being on the list when I could not fine my favorite work shoes again this morning.) Most of all I hate who this job is turning me into.

More career path confusion

Anonymous made a sterling point in the comments to my last post - in this economy why would you give up a paying gig unless you had an iron clad replacement already in hand. (and what in this economy is iron clad anyway?)

Being the sort of person who LOVES their creature comforts the answer is I never would. My problem, and the reason for all my angst, is that it looks very much like my position will not survive the next round of blood sacrifice to the angry economic gods here at good old Mega corp.

When that first became evident, my initial instinct was to find a new cubicle at Mega corp to burrow into. Or, should the slash and burn go so far that I am unable to succeed at that, find a Mega corp clone and do so there.

But someone pointed out to me that I have not been happy about or at work in a long time. Amazing isn't it that I needed someone else to point that out before it came to my attention. I don't mean I did not KNOW it until someone else told me - only that I refused to acknowledge or pay attention to it until then.

The very idea of doing something else was so astonishing that it has left me flummoxed for the better part of two weeks. I still can't quite take it in - I mean WHAT would I do if I didn't do this? Would I like to be less stressed all the time - HELL YES! But um - well, that's all just, but um. I'm still speechless. Building the plan, and executing the plan, and flogging those falling behind in the plan, has been what I have done for so long now I think it has actually changed who I am.

Many many years ago - pre Mega corp - I once wrote 35 pages on the transference of "borrowed" words from one language / culture to another and the linguistic and cultural impact of such transfers. I had a Masters in Education with a linguistics focus. Well, I still have it in fact. If I imagine completing such an exercise now(which as sad and geeky as it makes the young me - I found very intellectually stimulating at the time) all I can think is - why? Where are the dollarized deliverables? What cycle time improvement did that knowledge make? Dear god -there was no measurable objective - my head will now implode as the universe ends.

So while I contemplate the untimely impending death of my illustrious career at Mega corp, I am also lost and adrift as to what it has left me fit for, besides finding another position of the same ilk. Throw the responsibility for keeping a family financially stable and being the sole source of medical coverage on top of it and I am just lost. Practically paralyzed.

It's like that creepy old vaudeville show with the mustachioed villain thundering
"You must keep the job"
"But I can't keep the job" wails the helpless heroine
"But you must keep the job"
"But I can't keep the job"
Repeat
Repeat
Repeat

Stop the Merry Go Round

I think I might just possibly want to get off. Really - I'm going to - but well they pay me to ride. It makes me crazy and sick and miserable. But the health care benefits are amazing. Which is good because it makes me crazy and sick and miserable.

What else would I do if I bailed on big time Corporate America? The very idea leaves me stunned and speechless. The thing is I may not have a choice here soon.

Would I go insane without stupid PowerPoint charts and meaningless spreadsheets to make? What would happen if no one chewed my ass over bullshit measurements that have no basis in reality? If no one is trying to make you the scapegoat for the current economic crisis do you exist and have worth?

For anyone who still bothers to check in - feel free to voice your opinion. Should you ditch a job you don't even like anymore? Even now in the economic meltdown when chances of getting another before you exhaust your savings are slim? What if you are the primary support and insurance carrier for more than just yourself? What if you've never not worked - I mean like since you were 16? I have trouble taking vacations!

I give

As much as I hate doctors its time to go. i feel like red hot acid is dripping down my arm from my shoulder to my wrist. I can't sleep unless I knock myself out with drugs and I cannot concentrate at work. I surely cannot pick up little man. So here I go.

Not so Little

Little man is breaking my back. Literally. My right arm is a mess from carrying him. (Yeah, yeah, I know - just put him down. Easier said than done when the !@#$@!#$!@ airline strands you in the Philly airport from 7:30 PM to 2 AM. Poor guy was a wreck and needed the comfort.)

I have a constant ache in the shoulder blade and neck area, sharp pains in the bicep running to the elbow, and my arm goes pins and needles then numb from about mid forearm down.

He weights a little over 30 pounds these days and has grown an inch and a half in just the last month!!! His feet are huge - he's wearing a size 10 and they barely fit!

This kid is going to be a brute, a brute that is wrapped around his poor little crippled mama's finger.