Building a Family

Sob Story

2012-02-16T08:19:00.004-05:00

So I'm sitting at my desk crying this morning. I feel like life is totally out of control. The fact is though, its just my emotions that are. And I really really HATE that. Little Man fell at school yesterday and rebroke his poor little nose so I think he is probably going to have to have surgery. And I have been so in and out of the office for the last two weeks I feel like I have no idea what is going on here. So we got the bad mom and bad employee clubs out to beat myself with. My house looks like a hurricane swept through and I have not cooked a dinner in I can't remember how long so check off the bad wife box too.

I don't even want to think about finances since the rental house has had furnace issues twice in the last month. And mu mom calls to tell me about all of my sisters problems and how my sister in law is so miserable waiting out these last few weeks of being pregnant and all I want to do is yell - what about ME. So add selfish there too.

I'm telling you - this mood has GOT to GO. Blech - I really do not like this me.

Keeping the Beat

2012-02-14T16:26:00.000-05:00

So one of the recent reflections I had from “Simple Abundance” was on restoring a sense of rhythm to your lives. She makes an excellent point when she says “Children are not the only ones who need regular [schedules]. Their mothers do, too.” One of the things I enjoy and have always enjoyed about the crazy world of work at Mega Corp is that there is a very strong sense of rhythm or schedule. The steady drumbeat of the quarters and planning sessions that fall at the same time every year helps measure out and set the pace and plan – it’s the structure we hang all the rest of the insanity on.
I have always firmly believed that schedule was necessary to children – that they are more grounded, secure, and just plain happier with a set schedule. It only makes sense that adults, who were once those very same structure craving children, would appreciate the same. Maturity may make us able to appreciate the intentional deviation from schedule from time to time and also better able to tolerate the unintentional disruptions but I think we are conditioned to crave some underlying order. Look at how almost all cultures have some concept of “time”. True, many will not break it into artificial hours minutes, weeks etc. as we do. But all recognize the rhythm of day / night, and the seasonal changes, etc. This is one of those “Aha – well Duh” moments for me. You know when a perfectly OBVIOUS but pretty much ignored truth slaps you in the head.
The thing to ponder is what rhythm / schedule do I need to put back into my life. A regular bed time would probably be a big help. And I know getting back into regular Sunday church and weekly Bible study has been good for me. But I think there needs to be more. Ugh – this is going to lead into another one of those self-discipline positive habit building things again - I can see it already. There’s a Question of the Day for you. “Why is it so dang hard to build positive habits when the negative ones seem to take no work at all to develop?”

Frumpy

2012-02-10T08:32:00.000-05:00

I am considering that maybe this mood is because I am feeling very frumpy and unattractive. I had my stylist match my hair color to its roots a month or so ago and this is the darkest I’ve ever worn my hair. My diet has stalled – I’m still 20 pounds down and know I should be celebrating that but at the moment all I see are the 40+ to go. Last night Little Man asked me “Mommy, what’s this?” about an honest to goodness wrinkle I have noticed but been determinedly ignoring in the mirror every morning. Since finally emerging from my very painful teen years I’ve honestly never cared much what other people thought of my looks. I personally spend very little time on them and always have. I rarely if ever wear makeup. I never choose hair styles that require more than wash and wear. My clothes are chosen with an eye to what fits, is comfortable, and practical. (In fact, until my husband objected, I wore all black since every item would always go together no matter what I pulled out of the closet. It simplified laundry too. I kind of miss my undertaker gear as he called it.)

I’m usually astonished if anyone other than my husband comments on my looks – regardless of whether it is a positive or negative comment. Normally my appearance is something that just doesn’t strike me as terribly significant, which is why this sudden preoccupation is annoying, and surprising, and quite frankly lowering as well. Am I really suddenly going to become vain at 44 years old? That’s a bit silly isn’t it? And yet here I am, fretting because nothing I pull out of my closet seems to look flattering to me all of the sudden. And because I feel dull and, well, not really old but certainly no longer young looking. And, oh hell, why not admit it, because that obnoxious drunk last week said, and yes this is a direct quote, “Well who else is going to try to pick YOU up?” I KNOW he was just being pissy because I told him to shove off, alright? And NO I really don’t want some drunken lout slobbering on me. That’s why I told him to shove off. I think what bugs me the most is that it bugs me. I’d have never thought twice about it before, no less needed to lecture myself on letting it go.

When I was a girl I used to wish I’d age to look exactly like my grandmother. She had silky dark brown hair threaded with silver and perfect porcelain white skin that draped softly over her bones. I never thought of her as wrinkly or having a double chin. I thought of her as the height of grace, ladylike demeanor, and mature beauty. Now here I am still 15 years younger than she was then pondering how much chin lifts and liposuction might cost. What in the HELL is wrong with me?
Screw it – time to shoe horn myself into my Spanx and put on my party dress. Little Man still wants to take me out – even if he does notice my wrinkles.

Not a Clue

2012-02-09T15:59:00.002-05:00

I woke up today in such a mood and I have not a clue as to why. Just about everything makes me want to either cry or just run away. I love my husband and little man, my job (at least at the moment) is a breeze, my house is wonderfully clean (yes it is cleaning lady week - thank god for Terry) and NO I am not hormonal (that was last week!). So I have no idea why my idea of absolute heaven suddenly includes 3 or more days of having to see, hear from, or even think of no one at all. But it does. Hopefully this will pass in time for me to enjoy my "date" tomorrow. Right now all I want is to hole up in some hotel room somewhere where no one knows me and vegetate. Actually what I really, really want is for them to all disappear and let me do the same thing but in my own home. And like I said I have not one single clue why. So what I'll do instead is go home, feed my family, go to bible study, do laundry, then go to bed and hope I get up on the right side of it tomorrow.

Date Night

2012-02-08T14:37:00.000-05:00

Momma’s got a hot date!! Little Man is taking me to the mother son Valentine’s dance this Friday night. I am so excited!! We should look just gorgeous for our photo – his black eyes match the color of my blue dress perfectly! Seriously, the swelling is much better and the ENT says he will have a slightly deviated septum but no permanent damage other than that. So someday I’ll be able to look back on the photos from the dance and it will all be a funny story about how he broke his nose. I’m still not finding it very amusing yet but I am starting to calm down a little.

Competitive Mothering

2012-02-07T14:39:00.003-05:00

This post is dedicated to a good friend of mine. (In a reassuring positive way not as a smack down!!) You will find hundreds of mothers out there bragging about how their little genius is reading at 4, 3, 2.5 years old, walked at 12 months, got their teeth at 2 months and were already working on their Master’s thesis in the womb. And you know what? Some of them may be right - there little darling really is ahead of the statistical averages. But some are just deluding themselves. And for those that really are ahead at very early ages – there is no evidence at all that they will REMAIN “ahead”. Peaking early is not necessarily a good thing!! Most find their gains erased over time and some even end up with learning issues CAUSED by too much academic pressure too young.

Guess what? Little Man rolled over, sat, crawled, walked and talked late. At 5 and a half years he currently cannot tie his shoes, does not know all his lower case letters, can only count to about 30, and knows just 10 of the 25 sight words he's supposed to have memorized but he's healthy, happy, secure and LEARNING all those things.

He knows how and when to say please, thank you, excuse me, yes sir or ma’am and hold a door for others. He shares readily and is always quick to console others if he sees them upset. He knows he is loved for exactly who he is. If you ask him “Are you Mama’s boy” he’ll tell you “No Ma’am, I Mama’s TREASURE.” And we are all just fine with where he is at!

Want some opinions besides just mine? Check out this really excellent article:

Boston Globe

Or this scholarly paper that was one of its sources:

Waldorf Research Institute

Or this one for that matter:

Harvard School of Education

I could go on and on but instead I’ll just say to all you over achievers out there – remember The Tortoise and the Hare? Well Little Man, the turtle, and I will be happy to cheer for you when you make it to the finish line.

Our First Loose Tooth?

2012-02-07T10:18:00.002-05:00

Sigh. Another milestone mommy is not ready for. (Of course the tooth may not really be ready for it either. The dentist tells us it may be loose prematurely due to another Crash Gordon episode which I can’t at the moment remember if I documented here or not.) Just in case it is going to come out rather than “firm back up” we are getting Little Man ready by reading Bear’s Loose Tooth. He was afraid of the whole wiggly tooth thing at first but now that we have read this it is COOL. If you have little kids and you have not checked out the “Bear” series by Karma Wilson give it a try. Bear and his friends are big favorites at our house.

Title’s include:
Bear Snores On
Bear Stays Up for Christmas
Bear’s New Friend
Bear Wants More
Bear Feels Scared
Bear Feels Sick

Some are just cute stories but Bear Feels Sick and Bear Feels Scared are especially good for getting little ones talking about being scared or not feeling well. They were great discussion starters with Little Man. If anyone is specifically interested in Bear’s Loose Tooth you can check it out here:

Bear's Loose Tooth

Since we started reading this one Little Man is obsessed with not only his loose tooth but losing teeth in general. Every stuffed animal in his collection has lost teeth. They are going to be completely toothless in no time at this rate. I sure wish Ms. Wilson would come up with a story about Bear pooping in the potty!! although we are seeing glacially slow progress there too. More on that another day.

The day Teddy Bear went to school

2012-02-03T09:35:00.002-05:00

Just an update – I forgot to tell you all but apparently Teddy was a success at school. Little Man’s teacher said they gave Teddy Bear his own chair next to Little Man and he sat quietly all day. Little Man was very good and attentive all day as well. The teacher did have to leave the class for a short time for a meeting and when she came back Teddy’s chair was facing the wall. She asked Little Man what happened and he told her that Teddy hit him so Little Man put him in time out. A few minutes later he turned Teddy back around and they were both fine the rest of the day.

I asked if Teddy wanted to go to school again the next day but he said no. I guess he just wanted to see what it was all about.

And another thing…

2012-02-02T13:53:00.000-05:00

So this book I’ve been reading wants me to keep a daily journal – a daily dialog she calls it. The purpose is to clear your mind of all the crap that constantly runs through it. But she also wants me to write a daily gratitude journal and do a daily “golden mirror meditation” and assemble something called an illustrated discovery journal (which is kind of like a collage of photos and stuff that inspire you around certain topics). All this sounds like it could be useful and or fun but for crying out loud. It’s already all I can do to get myself and my son dressed, fed, daily homework or paperwork assembled, lunches packed, and out the door to school / work on time. Then at night I have about 2 hours after I get home to get homework done, supper made, bath time, teeth brushing and reading time accomplished before Little Man’s bed time. THEN I have time to do laundry, dishes, general clean up, pay bills etc. before I go to bed. And those are days when there is no bible study, PTO meeting, Dr.’s appointment, etc. to squeeze in. Question of the day - When exactly does she think I’ll fit all this in?

If I could find a free hour or so I should use it to exercise rather than write and I probably would use it for taking a nap. Hey, does making time during work hours to gripe here to y’all count? (In case you are wondering when I find time to read – well I steal some time here and there from work for that as well. But not often which is why I’m at least 7 days behind in the daily readings I’m supposed to be doing.)

Actually – This is not the first time I’ve read this book. And when I was single I did do the illustrated discovery journal for a while. It was one of the things that helped me realize how out of balance my life was. What I was yearning for then was family, children of my own, a lover and friend to come home to. I have those – now what I really want is some way to find MORE TIME to spend with them. And I don’t think adding 4 more things to my to do list is going to get me that.

Simple Pleasures (written by the Evil Twin)

2012-02-01T15:39:00.000-05:00

So my goody two shoes twin has been reading a lot lately about appreciating simplicity and being grateful for small moments etc. (Y’all haven’t heard much from me lately because – frankly she bores me to tears these days will all this oooey gooey mommy stuff) She read this one essay that absolutely waxed rhapsodic over cutting up veggies for dinner. It was, for the author, practically a transformative Zen experience. So yesterday I watched her try to put it into practice while off from work. She sliced melon and bell peppers and onion, she tenderized and breaded steak by hand and sautéed them with the veggies. (The fruit was just a snack for the rug rat) And you know what? It still looked like work to me. Did having read an ode to cooking make us more aware of how nice the melon smelled and how crisp and colorful the yellow and orange peppers were*? Uh, sure, I guess. But did she really enjoy having to wash the knife (ooo, look how shiny the stainless steel is and how the light rays reflect off it*) and cutting board (the grain of the bamboo is so precise and its finish is almost like satin*) any more than usual? No – that also is still work. Did the dinner prepared from scratch taste more savory and meaningful from being a product of personal time and labor? Well actually - the meat was kind of dry and over cooked. And having everyone who ate just leave the plates in the sink for her to deal with – yeah there’s a Zen moment for you.
I bet she goes back to frozen veggies – you watch. And me - I’ll stick to take out!! But here’s a simple pleasure for you from the Evil Twin Guide to the Good Life. Eat super dark chocolate truffles during your full body massage. Now there is a genuinely a transformative experience.

*I really need a sarcasm font here!

Family Circus

2012-02-01T13:32:00.002-05:00

No I'm not talking about the cute cartoon in the Sunday papers. My family is INSANE. Not Little Man - although with the nose thing he may make me that way. My mom and sister and sister's husband get into weekly if not daily dramas. I try to stay out of them but they have been escalating to new heights here recently. When Bethie called me a month ago and said her husband had broken her hand - damn right I got in my car and made the 3 hour trip. Long story short - no broken bones but enough bruising that I believe something fishy happened.

However, after a few days at my place with her newborn she insisted on returning home. Now I hear from my mom he's trying to have Bethie declared mentally unstable and committed? Except when I call her she says now they just went for counseling and he is bringing her home - BUT he is full of lies and can she come stay with me for awhile? WTF? I really don't need this right now.

What I need is for about 10k in cash to appear out of nowhere to cover unanticipated house repairs and medical bills and a bout a week off to fuss over my poor little nose boy. Since I'm not likely to get either I'd settle for less drama from the family!

Update

2012-01-31T13:03:00.002-05:00

Poor Little Man. If anythign the swelling is even worse today. His shiners are impressive and I expected those but the swelling has taken me seriously by surprise. His little eyes are almost nothing but slits. His nose is ginormous and even his forehead is puffy. I've dragged him back to the Dr daily because I just can't believe that level of swelling is normal. But they keep telling me he's fine and to send him to school! His CT scan is completely clear and he seems to be acting ok. But my god he looks like Voldemort!

Crash Gordon Strikes Again

2012-01-30T11:20:00.002-05:00

We were at the local emergency room till WAY past bed time last night. Why you ask? Because Little Man decided to empirically test the theory that his nose could pass through the entertainment center if only he build up enough speed first. He now knows definitively that it cannot.

He also knows what a broken nose feels like. And how a CT scanner works. No concussion and no complications - well other than the humongous swollen nose and two black eyes.

Oh, and the triple load of mommy guilt for making him go to school today. Let's not forget that.

Shhhhh – this is on the DL

2012-01-26T09:10:00.001-05:00

Actually it’s not really a secret. I just haven’t been saying much because I’m afraid to jinx it. I’m still afraid, but I’m also ready to rupture something if I don’t share the news somewhere. Eden’s mom has agreed to let her live full time with us after this school year ends!! Picture me dancing around my office doing a booty shaking, arm pumping dance, while both crying and yelling – “It’s a GIRL!” You’d be close to my reaction to the news. I’ve been so worried about her. Her grades are terrible and the tantrums she throws when she’s away from us have been escalating. She needs more attention and stability than she’s been getting. And she and Little Man are both heartbroken every time it’s time for her to go home. Only 5 more months to get them through!! I can’t stop grinning every time I think of it. God does answer prayers!! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Soon both my babies will be home all the time!

Damn it!

2012-01-25T14:10:00.001-05:00

I've been trying to figure out how to address this. I was irate at first and intent on going down to the school and killing someone with my bare hands.
Since we have no intention of moving and Little Man will be stuck in that school system for some time I decided I needed to spend some time considering the best way to handle the situation. Upon reflection, I do not think anyone is being deliberately hurtful to Little Man but I cannot ignore the increasingly obvious signs that he has a new HUGE anxiety over using the bathroom that has to be coming from somewhere. He will no longer go near a bathroom unless I go with him. If he has had any kind of leakage - even the slightest skid mark in his pull-up he is nearly hysterical about not wanting to pull it down to go pee.

We had a melt down over this last night where it took me nearly 10 minutes to pursued him it was OK to go pee even if his pull up was "dirty" (his word and not one I use with him). After that we sat and cuddled and talked some. He told me the teaching assistant in his class room yelled at him for dirty pants. Now this is the same child that tells me Teddy Bear hits him so I don't know for sure that he is a reliable reporter. I have to acknowledge it may not have been her that upset him. And I doubt anyone actually yelled but he does take people's frustration or unhappiness with him to heart. (We had a situation where his dad got frustrated with him over riding his tractor through the garden and after a stern talking to Little Man refused to go near the tractor for months. So I can see someone being unintentionally impatient or brisk with him and that upsetting him. ) But someone has done something. That much is obvious and I need to get it fixed.

I'm very concerned that he is not toileting at school AT ALL anymore. The gastroenterologist we have been seeing for his enlarged colon was quite specific that any withholding of stools would be bad for him. His bowel muscles will be very susceptible to stretching and reoccurrence of the initial issue for some time. So the Dr was very firm that we had to be slow and cautious about reintroducing toilet training.

I’ve tried to communicate non judgmentally and non-accusingly that what I need from the school is to be sure that everyone who deals with Little Man regarding toileting of any kind - peeing in the potty, diaper changing, etc. is positive, gentle, and reassuring at all times. I communicated that I know it's messy, nasty, and frustrating to deal with and that I am very ready for him to be done with pull ups too believe me. But anything that makes this negative for him is only going to prolong the situation which helps no one.

Here’s a snippit of the long long missive. “I just want to be sure everyone associated with Little Man’s toileting is on the same page for how to best support him making progress. He should always be told it is perfectly OK for him to make poop in his pull up - that is what they are for. He knows when we move to underpants all his poopy has to go in the potty. He knows we are going to start wearing underpants for short periods at home in Feb and March. (Gradually increasing the length of time) and that in March he is going to have to sit on the potty and try to make his poopies every day at home. HE chose the goal of all poopy in the potty in April and we are going to do all day underpants and potty training the week of April break. We have lined up stories and dvd’s to encourage and reassure him. He has chosen his rewards for successes. I want him to feel excited and enthusiastic about this coming up. Not afraid of going into the bathroom.”
So here’s the Question of the Day - what do you guys think? Am I being too overprotective? Should I be kicking their ass and to hell with the consequences?

Flashback 70s

2012-01-23T09:00:00.004-05:00

Shake, shake, shake
Shake, shake, shake
Shake your booty!
Little man has been a rump shaking fiend here lately. I have no idea where this has come from. We’ve tried for ages now to get him to participate in dance or song / movement activities with pretty limited success. But “shake your booty” is a big hit. He shakes it when he gets out of bed, when we get undressed for bath time, after bath, and pretty much all day long. Last night Daddy looked on line and found a 70’s video with “shake your booty” which Little Man found fascinating. Continuing the theme Daddy also played him “Shake your Groove Thing”.
Little Man, budding connoisseur of 70’s sound that he is, decided that “Shake your Groove Thing” had the better beat and melody BUT he was not happy with the words. So now he runs around singing “Shake your boo- tay, shake your boo- tay! Yeah, yeah” to the “groove thing” tune. I think it’s time to teach him the Electric Slide.

Question of the day - now how do I get him to value variety in his music so I don't run around with "shake your booty" playing in my head over and over and over? He already has pretty eclectic taste ranging from hard rock, classical, kids hits, and obviously 70's dance music. But he is way into repetition of the same song until mommy would like to blow her brains out!!!

Working with him

2012-01-21T20:53:00.002-05:00

Teddy Bear had his first day at school on Friday. I have not had a chance to ask Little Man's teacher how it went but Little Man tells me that he was very good and did not even have to move his card. (A warning system before time out) He did say that Teddy Bear was not good and had to sit in time out for hitting Little Man. So - hmmm, no idea what that means in terms of how disruptive having Teddy Bear at school was.

I decided to extend the idea how ever and when Little Man asked to take him to gym class today I said sure but only if Little Man was going to participate in ALL the activities. No sitting out on the side lines. If Teddy Bear went he had to show Teddy all the things he was supposed to be doing along with the other kids. Unqualified success!!! Today was the first day Little Man participated in every activity from beginning to end. The instructors said he did "Awesome" and invited Teddy back next week!!

Now if only I could find some way for Teddy to teach him to count past 10! That is our other big challenge at the moment. I have told him all Teddy Bears know how to count to 100 so he needs to learn too but that didn't motivate him much. We've had a little success counting interesting things he can keep - coins, butterscotch chips, etc. But he still can't make it even to 20 without mistakes. So there's my question of the day - any creative counting exercises anyone knows? Or good counting songs that go higher than 10? Little Man is always interested in new songs so that would be good but I've not found any.

Sometimes I can barely breathe

2012-01-20T05:01:00.002-05:00

Here's a question of the day for you - How do you stand being so stupid in love with your kids? Little Man fell asleep in my arms last night after story time and I just sat and rocked him and sang (lucky him to be asleep) for nearly an hour. Pressing my cheeck to his silky hair and savoring how totally relaxed his little (well not so little any more) body was in my arms. How will I stand it when he's too old to want to "nuggle" with mommy anymore?

Talk to the Bear

2012-01-19T15:27:00.002-05:00

So Teddy Bear is for some reason on the rise again. We have had times in the past when Teddy (in his imaginary and or physical form) has had to accompany us every where. We've had times when he has physically had to do everything we are doing (wear clothes, take baths, get smeared with sunscreen, etc.) But thy have faded away.

Not only is his inclusion on the rise again but he is also exhibiting more of his "own mind". He and Little Man quarrel incessantly, coming to me to sort out who is right and who is wrong. My son, who is considered extremely quiet and a loner at school is inseparable from Teddy at home and speaks to (and for) him non stop. Last night Little Man was fine getting into bed but Teddy Bear was crying and wanted mommy. Teddy Bear needed to sleep with Mommy. This morning Teddy Bear and Little Man got into a fight and Little Man informed me that Teddy Bear broke his bed jumping on it because he's mean. Mommy put Teddy Bear in time out and Little Man sang "No More Teddy Bears Jumping on the Bed" followed by "Nana, nana boo boo". So I had to speak to Little Man about teasing.

Little Man also recently asked his teacher if Teddy Bear can come to school with him. After conferring and agreeing that Little Man needs to earn that privilege (since none of the other kids are allowed to bring toys to school) his teacher and I have tentatively agreed he will be allowed. I don't think his teacher realizes how big a handful Teddy Bear and Little Man are together in spite of my explanations.

She will learn!

So Question of the day - Anyone else out there plagued by a (semi) imaginary friend? I'm wondering if this is "normal".

I don't even know what to say

2012-01-17T09:29:00.004-05:00

Little Man has me shaking my head. Teddy Bear just came to see me yelling "Mom, Mom. Little Man be bad boy!" When I asked why Teddy Bear said "He wants Eden."

(Eden had to go back to her mom's last night)

When I ask Little Man why he is sad or mad or whatever all I get is "I don't know." Apparently I should be asking this guy:

Yes Teddy Bear is still having trouble with poopy on the potty and still in pull ups.

Busy Busy Busy

2012-01-16T23:05:00.002-05:00

It was a busy weekend. Eden was here and the whole family pitched in to make the playroom down stairs back into a play room. It had been a dumping ground for boxes - opened and not - as we unpacked on the main floor. Now the kids can once again play somewhere that does not involve us tripping over them everytime we move. We were all glad for the extra breathing room. I also got some furniture moved around that I had been wanting to get to and managed to finish off all the trim painting that had been left half done since September.

Among all the work I liberated another box of "stuff" that could go to good will and found some family pictures I wanted to reframe so I can hang them. All in all I have to say the house is startign to come together. I'm still not thrilled with the kitchen organization and the basement is an insane jumble of stuff. But our main living areas are feeling pretty good and the rest I think I can tackle a little at a time. Overall - I'm pretty darn pleased with the house. I really do want to get a bunch of the now empty boxes out of here since I think that will add room for attacking the basement (where a lot of the emptys are currently stacked) But its clutter that is out of sight and thus not weighing on me like the stuff on our living floor was.

Maybe I'll post some photos of rooms once I am finally satisfied with them. We'll see.

How Do You Know?

2012-01-13T08:21:00.003-05:00

So I asked myself a few posts back, how do I know what is a want vs. a need? What really makes me happy vs. what is just a distraction? One way I am using to try and figure it out is the longer term effect. When I spend time cuddling my Little Man I never think later – gosh I wish I had done this or that instead. Our Disney vacation this Christmas is another good example. I don’t regret spending that money or time. I am just as happy remembering the trip as I was on it. This is not a fool proof method obviously since it is all backward looking. But if I keep it in mind, keep a list of good “happiness investments” as it were, I should get better at predicting what will be good bets as well.

Just yesterday I plunged into something I'd been dreading. going through the heaps of junk mail and receipts I have squirreled away. I always check the junk mail to make sure I don't inadvertently throw away something that isn't really junk (yeah there is a story there). And I check the receipts to see if they are needed for taxes and either file or trash them. I have a vicious circle going with that stuff. I don't do it for months so the pile gets huge, then I dread doing it so the pile gets bigger. The thing is once I did go through it I felt great at having it done. Its kind of like the inertia I feel about exercise. I dread the thought of dragging myself off of my comfy couch in my nice cozy house to go walk or lift weights or what ever. But once I start I feel so much better for having accomplished it. And I sleep better and have more energy. Its the same with taming the paper dragon. I feel good having done it. And I enjoy the clean kitchen table just for being clean and for the space it gives me to do things like make cake pops with the kids this weekend.

So far - things that make happy memories with my kids, things that increase the tidiness and simplicity of our life, and thinkgs that give me more energy are good bets. I’m sure there are more – I just have to be on the lookout for them and overcome that initial push to get rolling.

One Sure Thing

2012-01-12T07:47:00.002-05:00

I know one more thing that makes me happy. I know this because it always did before and did again lazst night. I am rehiring our part time house keeper. She came twice a month and did all the crap I just never got to like vacuuming under the couch and inside it (under the cushions) and dusting on top of the refrigerator and the tops of the ceiling fans. Plus with her scrubbing the bathrooms twice a month I only had to do it twice a month too!! (The only thing I hate more than scrubbing bathrooms is unscrubbed bathrooms – eeeewww gross) Last night I remembered just how much I absolutely loved coming home days she had been there. Just walking through the door was a pleasure. (Well with one exception, I got there and she was still working so I felt guilty – like I needed to jump in and start scouring too -which made her uncomfortable. OK – Note to self – when scheduling cleaning days – plan to work late or go out to dinner or something!!)
I have set up a schedule with her and she will be in every other Wednesday from now on!! This gives me a happiness twofer – both more orderly surroundings and more time to do other things that make me happy! Its money well spent. I bet even my darling husband thinks so because now I will be naggin him less about helping more.

Change of Plans

2012-01-11T10:29:00.004-05:00

I already had a post written for today - one that I had thought out and fit with the current theme. It's not long and I may post it anyway but I couldn't resist sticking in this story about Little Man instead. After all he's one of the things I know makes me happy.

He's finally doing well with regular bowel movements. He still has to take a daily dose of Mirilax but he clearly has sensation and control in his colon again. However, he has developed an almost pathological fear of making poopy on the potty. Its understandable. I'd have been traumatized by some of the bowel movements he passed when he was having trouble too. Good lord the child clogged the toilet one time! He is and has remained completely potty trained for urinating - even stays dry over night. But the mere mention of making poopy on the potty would send him into hysterics.

So I have begun a determined and well thought out campaign to get him over that. Of course - as they say, "If you want to make God laugh tell him your plans." My planned campaign was laid out like this - over the holiday break my husband, myself and Little Man's sister would all announce when we are going potty and what we were doing. Little man played along and seemed quite interested - even following us in to ask if we forgot to specify "what are you making? Peepee or poopy?" So he's seeing that making poopy on the potty is normal and completely unpainful or traumatic for all of us. Check.

Then beginning in January every time I change him or he goes to use the toilet we have the following conversation, "Mommy and Daddy and Eden all make their poopy in the potty. Little Man is going to do that too. Not yet but soon. In one, two three four more months. Little Man is going to make all his poopy in the potty in April." He has already internalized this conversation so well he will start spinning it out for me on his own if I don't start fast enough. Brainwashing in place - Check.

(Some of you are no doubt wondering - why in the world April? Well if you remember Little Man is wild for Peeps. We got him trained for peeing in the potty with Peeps. I reminded him over Christmas how much he loves Peeps with one carefully doled out box of Snowman peeps and now there are no more peeps at all until we make poopy in the potty. Late March, early April will be prime Easter Peep time. Also we have the week of spring break with him and I both home to work on intensive potty training. Besides I have also noticed that Little Man does best with changes when they are forecasted and discussed in detail well in advance)

The plan goes on - continuing to talk but also to make more concrete preparations in February (shop for underwear, get a new potty seat, watch videos and read potty training themed books, etc). In March we do all of the above and "practice" by sitting on the potty every day whether we make anything or not - culminating in full on potty training in April.

And of course there is my piece de resistance - the ultimate weapon - the promise of a new puppy who can come live with us - AFTER Little Man knows how to make his poopy in the potty. This is an essential skill to having a puppy you know - because you have to be able to teach the puppy where and when to make its poopies. (The litter just born at the breeder I selected should be ready to come home mid April.)

Little Man added his own unique twist to this last night. Apparently January is also when his stuffed Mickey Mouse and his Teddy bear are going to start potty training. Mickey caught on very quickly. Little Man had him sit on a purple bucket (which Little Man has apparently designated the animals potty) made realistic straining noises followed by a "plop" and then informed me that Mickey had made his poopy in the potty. I refrained from laughing and formally congratulated Mickey, gave him his peeps and suggested he tell Little Man how this is done so that Little man can earn his own peeps and his puppy.

Little Man and Mickey had a long conversation about it. Then Mickey had to go 40 million more times and we had to celebrate each one. (Man that mouse is full of shit!) After which Teddy bear started making poopy on the potty. Daddy was getting into it now. After high fiving Mickey on his successes he and Little Man started collaborating on making the most realistic pooping sounds as Teddy Bear went. (Teddy Bear may need to see a dr because his poopies are some of the most horrific sounding things I have ever heard.) Trying to keep all this pretend play positively focused, Mommy suggested Teddy Bear wear some real big boy underwear which Little Man was delighted by.

Until of course Teddy bear had an accident. Little Man brought him to me and informed me of the unfortunate event in hushed and dire tones. I reassured them both that it was OK. People have accidents some times but that maybe Teddy Bear should wear pull ups awhile longer until he was sure he was ready for underwear. So we changed him over (yes the bear is actually wearing a pull up and Mickey has on winter camouflage boxer briefs - I should post a photo)

After all this interest and pretend play I was psyched to move up the schedule. So I asked Little Man if he was going to try making poopy in the potty now. He told me "No Mom, In April." Sigh. 3 more months of disgusting poopy sound effects and non stop pretend potty training to go. I've clearly been out maneuvered.

I Want Some More of It

2012-01-10T09:15:00.001-05:00

Here’s an excerpt from a truly excellent essay in a book I am reading* along with the thoughts it provoked in me:

“Do you have everything you need right now? What about your wants? Few of us have everything we want…” News flash there right? But worth thinking about. I think I probably do have everything I need. It’s hard to feel certain because I think wants and needs get so easily confused these days. When I really stop to think about the things I don’t have (and think that I need) I realize I can easily do without them. Heck, I already am. It is way too easy to believe that some new thing is going to make you happy (or at least happier than you are now). But all I have to do is look around my house to see a ton of stuff that is currently making me feel crowded and cluttered and UNHAPPY. Most of this stuff was something I wanted and was sure was going to make me happier – back before I had it.

Before acquiring anything else I think I need to spend some time really mulling over both the specific purchase and this general theme. “Most of us are hungering for something more in our lives.” That resonates for me. My life is really very good right now. I like my work. I really like my boss. I love my kids and my husband. We are all reasonably healthy. There are no big needs in my life right now, at least not material ones. So it stands to reason that what I need are intangibles. The essay suggests you ask yourself, “What is it I truly need to make me happy?” So I asked and here is what’s on my list so far-

First of all Clarity – I really need clarity on my wants and needs and which are which. Which is a way of saying I need clarity on what really makes me happy vs. what just distracts me from being unhappy. There is a big difference there. And the distractions, while feeling good in the short run, can end up making things even worse in the long run. That is something worth spending some real time considering. The thing is – how do you know?

Second - More Energy. I think of things I would like to do all the time but do I do them? NO! Why? Because I feel like I am always too tired to get done the things that have to be attended to and still go on to do the things I want to do. And before that makes me sound too self-sacrificing – I don’t even get done half the things that need doing. I am constantly crawling into bed for a nap. I am way too tired. It just can’t be normal. I want a nap right now.

Order – I really think a more ordered life – more tidy surroundings, a schedule etc. would make me happier. I always feel better in a tidy room. In a cluttered one the stuff just seems to weigh on me mentally and physically. When there is an issue facing me I always feel better once there is a plan breaking it down into steps and milestones. I need to spend some time putting some structure to my days and my space – I think it would pay off big “peace of mind” dividends.

OK – I’m sure there is more but hey it’s a start.

And yes I realize this is kind of a strange post to follow the one on acquiring a new bedroom set. But i did actually think through that purchase and decide that more streamlined furniture in that room will make me feel less crowded and stressed and there is no doubt a decent mattress will help my sleep issues.

* The book is Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach

Yikes

2012-01-09T10:28:00.003-05:00

So credit approved. Gulp - guess I am taking on the debit in hopes of better sleep. This is good for me right? Learning to not be such a tightwad. Trusting in God to continue to provide as he always has. Learning to enjoy the fruits of my labor yadda yadda yadda.

Penny Pinching

2012-01-09T09:41:00.003-05:00

I'm a miser. , I freely admit this. I hate spending money. I like money in the bank. Unfortunately I also like nice things, and I like to give my husband and kids nice things. I'm never interested in expensive just because its expensive but if I'm choosing without looking at the price tag I seem to naturally gravitate to the pricey.

So when hubby and I went looking at new bedroom furniture this weekend, its not too surprising that the total bill for the items we wanted made me gasp, gulp, and rethink - A LOT. In fact I lay awake fretting over the expense last night.

Our bedroom furnature is a mis matched collection of dressers from his parents, bed from my first marriage and side tables bought at yard sales. the mattress set is about 20 years old. We kinda do need an upgrade.

My horoscope today says "Can't decide whether to take the plunge on a big purchase? You may be acting too cautiously -- beware of second-guessing yourself. Right now, you might as well jump right into the deep end!

So I guess if we qualify for the interest free financing I'm gonna bite the bullet and buy it all. (If we don't though - new mattress and box spring only!) How messed up is it that I'm hoping we don't qualify? I just hate owing money. My evil twin says "Buy it all darling and get a new entertainment center too - if you can't make the payments let them come take it all back and then you get to buy new all over again!!!" I know there are people that live that way. I can't fathom it. I'd go crazy with the worry.

No Resolutions Here

2012-01-06T10:56:00.002-05:00

I'm not a resolution kind of girl really. Never have been. I started my current attempt at weight loss on some random day in July last year and have - in my incredibly pokey and haphazard way - been way more successful (20 lbs so far) than most of the folks I know who make annual fitness resolutions.

So this new idea I have had perking for the last few days is nothing resembling a resolution. And my mentioning it is in no way a commitment to the idea either - just to be clear. But I have been mulling if doing a daily blog - no matter how inane the topic on days when I don't have anything to say - would be a good discipline for me. I'm considering at the moment. Mentally testing the idea out. Could be I'll jump in. Could be not. Could be I'll start and fizzle out - that's the most likely scenario honestly. But I never suspected back on that random day in July that I would still be keeping track of what I eat and slowly inching the scales lower 6 months later so who knows.

New Year - New view?

2011-12-31T23:32:00.002-05:00

Feeling miserably blue tonight. Quarreled with the hubby. It's an old arguement and I don't see how its going to change. Makes me so sad. He thinks I don't see his side I'm sure but I do. Not agreeing is not the same as not seeing. sigh.

No Apologies...

2011-10-11T10:30:00.004-04:00

...for being gone so long. I've been trying to spend less time on the computer and more enjoying Little Man. I've pretty much given up facebook too aside from the occasional random comment from my phone. And what a joy Little Man is. It keeps amazing me how FAST he is growing up!! He started kindergarten and is beginning to "read". He has always loved for me to read him books and now he has started to memorize the simpler stories and "read" them back to me. With some of them he actually recognizes some words and so real reading is just around the corner!

He is so funny too! He has a really annoying habit of asking the same question over and over and over in the car - "where are we going mom? Mom where are we going? Where are we going?" Until I swear it could drive me to drink. I have a policy of never ignoring him when he talks to me so I decided to try doing the same to him and see what happened. After about three times his answers started to get slower and slower until finally he told me - "Mom I'm busy, we'll talk later." Then after a few minutes he says to me "Mom, you know where we are going already so that's enough". I laughed so hard I almost cried.

Little Man is starting to connect more to stories we read so I have started putting more adoption books in the rotation. His favorites right now are A Mother for Choco and Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born. His favorite non adoption books are How Rocket Learned to Read and Scaredy Cat Splat. He has a big interest in babies and being born at the moment - probably because two of his Aunites are pregnant and due soon. I'm making sure we read his life book The Story of Little Man in addition to the others. I think he is starting to understand the concept of being born and so being adopted is not far behind. I'm a little sad for him because of that. I know once he understands the idea of adoption then his conscious struggle with it will start and like all parents I wish I could save him from every pain and struggle he will ever face.

I know even though he may not be conscious of what adoption is and that he is adopted that he already has struggles that come from it. That was obvious again this weekend. I was holding his baby cousin because she was cranky and tired and he noticed it. He's seen me hold other children before although I make a conscious effort for it to not happen too much or for too long. This time though I was singing to her to try and soothe her and apparently that was too much for him to take. He dropped right down and curled up in a ball to cry. I gave the baby back and scooped him up to snuggle and cuddle and rock. And I told him over and over that even if mommy holds other babies some times he is special. He is my treasure. He rebounded quickly and I ignored the looks and comments that said I was being over indulgent. I'll never be able to spare my Little Man every hurt but I will always always be there to kiss and cuddle and help him through them!

Phases

2011-06-22T19:48:00.002-04:00

Little Man is going through a clingy phase again. He had been sleeping in his own bed just fine and bouncing into preschool without a backward glance for quite some time. But in the last few weeks he has started getting up multiple times a night to try and climb into mommy and daddy's bed and clinging and crying at drop off or even if I go to the store. He doesn't even like to go into a different room or to another floor in the house than where I am.

I wonder what brought it on? I think its related to him starting to realize Eden comes and goes - that although she calls me mommy and daddy, daddy she is not with us all the time and it is making him question or worry about our permanence in his world. (But I could be over thinking this I know.)

For now we are trying to make sure he goes to sleep in his own bed each night. If he is calm when he gets up and checks on us we try to put him back in his own bed. If he is crying and distraught we let him stay with us. I try to reassuring him at drop off with not making a production out of it. Of course, I second guess myself on this constantly. Are we teaching him to cry to get his way? Are we not giving him enough reassurance by letting him stay with us every night? Are we spoiling him utterly by letting him sleep with us at all? Blah blah blah.

I don't suppose there is any way to know for sure - all I can do is what seems right in the moment. I always want him to know how loved he is and feel secure. I also don't want to raise a brat with no self control who thinks he is entitled what ever he wants as soon as he wants it.

Anyone else who has seen revisiting security issues you thought were done?

Holy Prune juice!!

2011-06-04T09:53:00.002-04:00

Well Little Man is a pooping machine at the moment. Its not really due to prune juice of course. We tried that with no success. This craptastic flood is due to a prescribed cocktail of stool softeners and laxatives stronger than most adults take. I AM NOT complaining though - the diaper blow outs are way preferable to where he was and to having to subject him to a scope. The specialist is looking for an underlying cause too. He has taken blood for thyroid and Celiac testing and is also considering some bowel abnormality caused by the FAS. I so hate that Little Man has yet one more challenge to endure. He is just jumping around like a cricket again though, happy as can be now that his belly feels better and he does not have to endure hideous pain when bowel movements do happen.

I might just actually have found one doctor I like. I'm still considering suing the other one thought.

LISTEN to your Patients A**holes!!

2011-05-30T21:41:00.002-04:00

Sorry to start back with a rant but Little Man has a severely impacted bowel - they may have to do a scope or even surgery to break up what is in there since it is all the way back into his intestines. I am SO ANGRY at his doctor. I have been telling him something was wrong for A YEAR!! And he kept telling me to just feed him more fruit and vegetables. Let me tell you - this child eats more fruit and veggies than any three other people put together.

I insisted on a new pediatrician and on our first visit after just feeling Little Man's belly he sent us for x-rays and now to a pediatric gastroenterology specialist. The specialist is the one that says he will probably have to scope to clear him out although he is trying massive doses of laxative and stool softener for a week first because he does not want to scope someone so young unless he absolutely has to. After that he says it will be months before Little Man's colon gets back to normal. All this misery because that one A**ho** would not LISTEN!!! Anyone know a good one!

Another first

2011-03-25T17:39:00.003-04:00

Little Man had his first concert. His preschool put on a little show this afternoon. He did AW SOME!! Not in the call an agent we're gonna be rich sense but in a hey he's acting just like all the other kids his age sense. (Although he does have a really good ear for music and I think we should encourage that too.)

He was really patient waiting through all the arranging and the other children singing. He was fidgety like any kid his age of course but appropriate. He also joined in with some of the other songs but since he was singing the right ones (instead of one of his own compositions) it was cute. Up to just a month ago Little man would not sing at circle time in class even though he has always liked to sing with Mama.

He sang in two of the three songs his class did and then he and a partner in crime began to clown around in the back. Also a good sign to me since he has started to make friends with the other kids.

The class performed "If all the Raindrops were Lemon Drops" - which I had never heard before and was cute. Then "Take me out to the Ball Game" - which Little Man was totally into - waving his little pennant and tugging on his ball cap. Mama is so proud - I'm posting his very first music videos on Facebook!!

The Other Mother

2011-02-23T21:50:00.002-05:00

So here it is. My first stab at a more serious article on adoption. Thanks to the folks who have already commented and helped me improve it.

_________________________

For many adoptive parents the fact that your child has “another” family out there somewhere is very difficult to deal with. Adoptive parents’ emotions toward that other family can span the gamut from extreme gratitude to intense negativity and may encompass elements of both at the same time. Sorting through that messy stew is something that can be easy to put aside in the day to day rhythm of just living with the family that is here and in front of you. It is critically important however, that parents make time to process their own thoughts and emotional reactions to their child’s family of origin. Your child is going to have thoughts and feelings about their first family that are quite separate from yours. As a parent it is your job to meet your child where they are at and help them process and integrate those feelings. Demonstrating a negative, dismissive, or disrespectful attitude toward your child’s birth family or their thoughts and feelings about that “other mother” can have a serious impact on your child’s emotional well being.

If you have an older adoptive child you may be thinking, “My child never has never asked about their birth mother.” The question you need to ask yourself is, “Have you ever mentioned her?” The amount of time a child spends on thoughts of his birth family will vary at points throughout their lives but there is no question that she will think of them. It is an issue all adopted persons will deal with. If you have never raised the topic with your child that very absence may have given him the message that this is a subject which is off limits. It isn’t a matter of whether your child ever thinks about that other family, just of whether she talks to you about her thoughts and feelings.

So how do you deal with this? You can take a lot of the same tips for dealing with any potentially uncomfortable topic. For example:

Just like discussions about sex the most important thing is to be approachable. Which is why it is so important to deal with your own baggage first! Hopefully your support network already includes some adult adoptees, birth parents, and a counselor familiar with adoption issues. If not, you can always contact your adoption agency social worker, state child welfare agency or your state of residence adoption contact for recommendations of appropriate professionals.

Start young with age appropriate information. It’s easier to tackle tough stuff when your child gets older if already you have a shared foundation of conversations to build on.

Prepare in advance for possible twists or turns in the conversation. Think through how you might respond to various ideas. You can’t possibly think of everything they might ask but you’ll be more comfortable if you prepare. In doing this it’s helpful to try and understand the point of view that the adopted person or the first family may have. There is a growing body of written work about this including books by adult adoptees, birth parents both domestic and international, and various professionals. One excellent resource is The Adoption Dilemma by V Scheppler M.S.W. You might also try reading blogs written by adult adoptees or surrendering parents. The emotions in these blogs can be very raw and painful for an adoptive parent but ultimately the discomfort is worth it. These sites can provide invaluable insight as you help your own child.

Don’t set up big “we need to talk” moments. Find ways in day to day life to talk about how your family came together and how that is the same or different from other families. School assignments and projects often offer readymade opportunities for discussing a child’s wider family. Being prepared before they come up will help you feel confident as you help your child puzzle through questions about their identity that a family tree assignment or book reports on ancestors can raise.

Be truthful but always try to use language that is respectful and positive when discussing your child’s biological family. There may be unhappy events or facts that are downright ugly and you should not romanticize them away but neither should you denigrate the people that produced your child. If there are serious issues to be raised you may want to consider speaking with a counselor experienced with adoption issues about how and when to appropriately share that information.

One particularly useful tool is to start a life book for each of your children. You can find some excellent advice on use of this tool here.

Unfortunately there is no one perfect speech or catchy phrase you can memorize to deal with this aspect of your adoption journey. Every family’s history and circumstances will be unique to that family and that child. The most important thing to remember is that the attitudes and emotions you project when talking about your child’s “other mother” are things they will probably internalize and apply to their own sense of self. It’s easy to get caught up in political correctness, worrying about making the right word choice. The fact is, while different people are going to hold different opinions about whether it is better to use biological, or birth, or first, or natural, or some different designator for that other family; the most important element is not the words you use but the manner and context in which you speak them and that you are talking about that “other mother” together.

The Sweet Taste of Success

2011-02-22T19:40:00.003-05:00

So what does success taste like exactly? Well for Little Man it tastes like Easter Peeps. Those are the reward of choice for successfully going potty in the potty and they are so motivating that he now asks to try at least 6 times an hour. He also loves putting his Elmo sticker on the Potty chart each time he is successful.

Mommy is fine with spending the better part of every evening hanging out in the potty while he trys because it sure beats spending the better part of the evening mopping up the floor and doing laundry after each accident.

I have to admit to experiencing a little pang at how grown up he looks in his little jockey shorts. But I won't miss the cost and mess of diapers.

Go Bill!

2011-02-16T10:26:00.004-05:00

I read a list of things Bill Gates is supposed to have told a graduating class. I thought it was mostly good advice although if I were giving it to my kids I'd have a little additional mom advice to throw in. So here's his list - with my amplifications:

BG Life is not fair. Get used to it.
Mom It’s great for us to strive to be fair with one another but “LIFE” is not bound by this.

BG The World does not care about your self esteem. The world expects you to actually accomplish something to be proud of.
Mom You have worth to me by just being – but I still expect you to do something useful with your life.

BG You will not make more than $60k right out of college nor will you be a VP with a company phone and car.
Mom I’ll always help you with what you need. What you want you’ll have to earn. Yes If I am paying I get to decide what is a need vs a want.

BG If you think your teacher is tough wait until you get a boss.
Mom Neither will be as tough on you as I am because neither love you as much.

BG Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents called this opportunity.
Mom I wiped your back side – don’t even try talking to me about work that’s beneath you.

BG If you mess up your life its not your parents fault so don’t whine about your mistakes learn from them.
Mom Yeah, what he said.

BG Before you were born your parents weren’t nearly as boring. They got that way from paying your bills, washing your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation try delousing your own room first.
Mom I like this Bill guy.

BG Your school may have done away with winters and losers but LIFE has not. They may have abolished failing grades and let you try as many times as it takes to get the right answer but this bears no resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Mom Don't be afraid to try things. If it doesn't work you CAN always come home (but you will have to work and help pay bills).

BG Life is not divided into semesters, you do not get summers off, and employers are not interested in helping you find yourself.
Mom It's called work for a reason. If it was fun they would not have to pay you to do it.

BG Television is not real life. In real life people your age do not live in apartments like that, own cars or clothes like that, and they actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to work.
Mom I lived through it – you will too.

BG Be nice to nerds. Chances are you will end up working for one
Mom Be nice to everyone – What goes around always comes around eventually.

If I can raise my kids knowing these truths I think I won't have done too bad.

Hi All

2011-02-08T19:25:00.002-05:00

Currently working away at an article on advocating for your children with the school system. I may post it later or just the link to where it gets published. Right now I'm busy fuming over what prompted the topic. Little Man has been doing very good in his therapy and preschool program. He is pretty very far behind his age level though. He is not ready for Kindergarten yet and by age he can wait for another year before beginning. However, by state policy if he does not go to kindergarten, which he is not ready for, he can't continue to get the services he needs to get ready. How in the hell does that make sense?

So, I have been researching federal and state law on IDEA, ADA, 508, you name it.

Mirror, Mirror

2011-02-02T12:53:00.002-05:00

Little man is busy imitating everything Daddy and I do at the moment. Some of it is just precious. Like yesterday morning when he rubbed his bear's belly before scooping him out of bed to cuddle in the rocking chair and ask "ready get up? Seep good?" just like mommy does with him every morning. Some of it is really funny. You should see him try to shake the hair back out of his eyes the way Mommy does (mine is significantly longer than his) or go nose to nose with daddy in a staring contest. And some is just plain embarrassing. Like last night when he threw a blanket over his stuffed animal, announced "be still or I beat you" and threw himself across it to wrestle it all over the floor. Which I am forced to admit is a pretty fair approximation of Mommy trying to trim the nails on our cat!

It was a great reminder that we are in full time role modle mode. It's so easy to forget they are ALWAYS watching and absorbing.

There has to be a way to make a difference

2011-01-31T12:17:00.002-05:00

After the story about Tory Hansen returning her 7 year old son to Russia alone on a plane with a note that she “did not want to parent him anymore”, I should not be surprised by stories involving adoptive parents and their children. But I still am. I suppose, even though I know better, I still want to believe every adoption story is like ours. I want to believe that not only does every adoptive parent love their child to distraction as we do; they all also researched and prepared, and continue to study and reach out for help and support. Unfortunately adoptive parents as a group are no better – no different at all - than all parents as a whole. There are irresponsible, unprepared, overwhelmed and isolated, and yes even abusive parents in both groups.

People will have different opinions about this story of the mom using hot sauce and cold showers on her adopted sons. There are many people who do not think either are abuse. My own opinion on that is just that, my own. I would not use either, I think it is abusive, and I would be very hard pressed not to do some abusing of my own with anyone who tried to do that to my son. Regardless of whether it is legally abuse, or even if you agree personally or not with the methods, I’d argue that children who have lived for a substantial time in an institution respond differently to family life – including to discipline. Obviously I cannot KNOW, but I am willing to bet a pretty hefty sum that the woman in this story is being 100% honest when she reports that time outs and even spankings were totally ineffective with her son. Most children who have been in an institution for any length of time are immune to “time out”. They have already spent years in the equivalent – why should 15 to 20 minutes more bother them? And a heartbreaking number have been subjected to physical abuse – sometimes by those that are supposed to be their care givers and even more frequently by the other children. A carefully administered spanking is not going to register with a child who has already been truly beaten.

There has to be a completely different way of relating to children with this background. I’m also willing to wager a hefty sum that no one prepared these parents for that – not they themselves, not their agency, and not the Russian officials that placed those children.

A Huge Thank You

2011-01-30T11:39:00.003-05:00

You guys are great! I appreciate everyone who answered on the blog or privately. Your support means a lot. My first article is in the publisher's hands. One topic I really want to work in that I could also use your advice on is PAP and AP's responsibility to be active - advocates for their own children but also active in adoptee rights AND (and this is the harder sell) active in supporting family preservation. I honestly believe to make improvements in Adoption and insure all adoptions are necessary and ethical AP's and PAP's have to be involved in helping create support mechanisms for families that can stay together.

My problem is when I start in on this topic - I feel like I start to sound like a televangelist. This is one of those ideas I think you have to plant a seed on - to inspire gently. I feel so passionately that I don't know how to go gently. But I don't want that to stop me from getting started. For the moment though it is. So any ideas or suggestions you have to inspire me would be greatly appreciated.

I also really want to include things from the first mom / family of origin point of view but that I lack personal experience with so - I'm researching now - again pointers welcome!!

I am so ENGROSSED in this right now that I'm not doing much other writing. I will get back to it once I have a few articles in the pipeline. Little Man is to awesome to not brag on for long!

I’m Almost Afraid

2011-01-27T11:44:00.002-05:00

To post this but here it goes. I have been selected to write a series of articles about adoption for publication (in a very small regional media). It’s a pretty lightweight publication so these are not going to be hard hitting pieces by any means. (First and foremost, because I’m not really qualified for that kind of writing and second because this is not the publication for that sort of thing. )

They also will be pro adoption because I AM in favor of adoption. BUT because I do recognize the many pitfalls and issues there are in this process I don’t want my articles to be “farting unicorns and rainbows” to steal a quote. I want to at least begin bringing the less publicized side and views of adoption into what I write. So I’m going to post drafts of them here first. They won’t be going up in any particular order. I don’t have a super large readership but I know because I read and occasionally comment on some blogs that are very anti adoption that some of those folks stop by here occasionally too.

I’m hoping they will give me honest feedback. I don’t expect them to like everything I say and even if they are brutal about it I want to hear it. Because even when I have not liked the things they post on their own pages I HAVE learned from them. I’m not good at taking criticism normally – so I’m kind of afraid that I’m not really as grown up and ready to invite this as I think I am. But - well – I’m going to give it a shot anyway. I doubt anything I write is going to have a huge impact but it’s a start no matter how small and I want what I write to at least acknowledge and be respectful of the other side of this issue.

Cho0sing an Adoption Agency

Congratulations! You’ve decided adoption is right for you. You are ready to choose an agency that will get you through all this red tape and on to parenting your new child. Right? Wrong!

Stop. Take a deep breath. When you're starting out, it's easy to believe that getting your new child quickly is what's most important, but adoption is not a race with a finish line you cross once your child is home with you. Adoption is a lifelong journey you and that child will be on, sometimes together and sometimes separately.

The agency you choose is important. Taking the time and thought now can mean the difference between selecting an agency that is an invaluable resource as your family grows and develops or one that is just a collector of fees. Any agency worth entrusting the well being of your family to should be committed to both post-adoption support and front-end screening. First and foremost, you want an agency whose focus is the well being of the children they place. Their primary function should be to screen out those who would not make good adoptive parents and to educate and prepare those who will. Sounds kind of counterintuitive right? Why should you be looking for someone who might not approve you?

Adopting a child is different from having a child. Families formed either way are equally as valuable and children adopted are just as precious to their adoptive parents but they do have different paths. An agency that truly has you and your future child’s best interests at heart should be prepared to support you through those differences. They should give you an honest evaluation of your chances for success through your home study. They should be prepared to educate you about issues unique to adoption. They should provide support or help you find other resources you as you encounter those challenges. Being prepared with a network of peers, counselors, and health specialists who are sensitive to the unique issues raised by adoption is much easier if you work with an agency that offers good pre and post-adoption services.

Start by gathering as much information as possible about adoption, agencies, and your local state requirements. Explore the range of available options and the various programs. Don’t rule out any possibility without thoroughly researching it. Be prepared to spend at least two to three months investigating all alternatives before making a decision. Remember you are making choices that effect not only for you but others as well.

After your initial research you are ready to start interviewing agencies. Many have regular informational meetings you can attend. Any agency you consider should be willing to have a one on one discussion with you in addition to a group meeting. Other families who have used the agencies services should be available to speak privately with you as well. Topics you should consider and discuss include:

Parenting preparation. What priority does the agency place on educating parents? What kind of classes or instruction does the agency offer? Will it adequately prepare you for the unique challenges of raising an adopted child? A special needs child? A child of another race?

What post-adoption services does the agency provide? Does the agency recognize adoption as a lifelong journey? Will it supply quality programs and services for your adopted child as they reach major developmental milestones like: entering school, the teen years, leaving home as a young adult, having children of their own? Your child will never be “done” being adopted. Issues around identity and adjustment can arise at any stage of life. A good agency should be a partner with you and your child in dealing with all aspects of adoption.

Search and open adoption. What is the agency's policies and attitudes on open adoption? Does it take a stand on searching for birth family? Will it support your child's rights based on their individual temperament to search or not search as they see fit? Will the agency assist your child in locating and being reunited with birth parents if they do choose to search? If the agency does provide assistance, how old does your child have to be to initiate such a search? What is their policy on parent-initiated searches? How does the agency protect your child's right to privacy if they do not wish to be contacted? Do they provide counseling services or recommend providers for the child and your family during a search?

Location. You do not have to choose an agency that is located in your home state. Most prospective adoptive families prefer a local agency because there is the opportunity to meet and interact with other families that have used their services and for the immediacy of support they can offer. There may be benefits to working with an agency from a distance if they have some special expertise in an area important to you, placing of special needs children, experience in a specific international program, or facilitation of open adoptions, etc. Generally speaking, adoptive families are free to choose agencies from around the country so long as the agency is licensed to place in your state. When considering an out of state agency be sure to weigh its benefits against the potential loss of local support and community a closer agency could offer.

Travel. Does the agency forbid or require you to travel to pick up your child? For some countries, travel is optional, in others is it a requirement. Agencies should not be placing restrictions that are not required by local law.
Agency size. Is the program too small or too big? This is largely a matter of personal preference. Some folks think a big program is more efficient, others find it impersonal.

Community. How much of an adoption community can you form by working with your agency? A network of peers, service providers, adult adoptees, and specialists is a tremendous help to adoptive families.

Religion. Is the agency's religious philosophy important to you?

Fees. While cost is something each family has to consider, never work with an agency that you do not feel comfortable with simply because it is cheaper. Be sure your agency is clear what its fees are, when they are due, and what they are used for. Corruption and child trafficking are the ugly underside of adoption and as prospective parents you have an obligation to your future child to be sure the agency you use has a spotless record.

Red Flags. Although there is no way to guarantee smooth sailing through an adoption, there are some red flags that may signal problems. You should be wary of agencies that promise a child before a family assessment; agencies that tell clients that birth parents will relinquish a baby before birth; and agencies that require no home study fee. Other areas of concern would be agencies or attorneys who don’t mention Interstate Compact, and who tell families that they can leave the state immediately without ICPC approval for domestic adoptions or or do not mention the Hague convention for international adoptions.

Investigate agencies carefully. Agencies should be licensed, and the workers should be professional licensed social workers, preferably with master’s degrees in social work and experience in adoption! Find out how long the agency has operated and how many children it has placed in recent years. Ask the agency about its professional affiliations; for example, is it a member of the Child Welfare League of America, Joint Council on International Children’s Services and/or the Council on Accreditation?

If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Call the attorney general’s office and the Better Business Bureau in the state where the agency is licensed to check whether any complaints have been filed against the agency.

Adoption can be an emotional rollercoaster with no guarantee of a successful outcome. An agency that promises a successful adoption should be a red flag. When there are human beings and emotions involved, anything can happen. Spending the time up front to find an agency that will be a partner for you and your child through all the dips and turns on the journey is well worth the time invested.

Isn't there a third Choice?

2011-01-20T16:04:00.002-05:00

I am totally sick of being a grownup at the moment. You still couldn't pay me enough to go back to being a kid though.

God’s Love

2011-01-17T10:04:00.002-05:00

I’m getting serious here on you for a moment. I read 1 Corinthians 13 at my sister’s wedding. I love this passage. And not just because provides such a tidy little “inspirational” thought on what love is. Almost everyone I know – Christian or not, Religious or not- knows this part of the passage:
Love is patient; Love is kind;
Love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.
Love does not insist on having its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices only in goodness.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.
And I get why. Just these verses alone are powerful but the real beauty of this scripture for me comes only when you look at it in the context of the verses before and after these. If you read the whole thing, it tells us so clearly at the very start of the passage that no matter what we do, or say, or know, without love we have nothing. We accomplish nothing. We ARE nothing.

And it goes on after making sure we understand what Love really is to tell us, that now in our spiritual lives we are like children, understanding only parts of what we see and hear and experience. When we are in unity with God (after our passing or his coming again) THEN we will be adults and fully understand. Until then we should rely on Faith, Hope, and Love. Because everything else we concern ourselves with; material things, knowledge and learning, even religious prophecy are going to pass away and be meaningless. Only Faith, Hope, and Love are going to last and of course “the greatest of these is Love.”

This is something I've been thinking a lot about since I read it at the wedding. I don't think that I've ever understood the true depth of love God has for us or what he is asking of us when saying "Love one another as I have loved you". I could not give my child, my only son, over to torture and death to save someone else. Impossible! It stuns me, leaves me shaken and speachless every time the thought comes to me. I'm not sure I can even pray to love like that. To be able to give myself - for Little Man or my family and friends - yes but to give him?

Pecked to death by sparrows

2011-01-14T10:18:00.001-05:00

It’s the end of the week and instead of feeling excited by the weekend I’m just feeling ground down. Work has been crazy busy this week which is good in some ways but has really worn me out mentally. I normally like a busy day since it moves time along but I feel overwhelmed by all the NEEDs there are right now. The house needs a cleaning top to bottom that I could easily spend a week on. The laundry has reproduced faster than rabbits on Viagra. I feel like I have not been attentive enough to Little Man this week – he’s been fed and bathed and read to and tucked in but I haven’t played with him or done any arts or crafts activities or anything educational. The check books need balancing and I really should take a hard look at budgeting so we can get out of this paycheck to paycheck living and start replenishing savings. I need to get paperwork in order for taxes. I need to schedule someone to do Little Man’s next post placement report. The list of things I need to take care of at work really isn’t unmanageable but I can’t seem to get myself started. I can’t seem to get myself started on anything. What I want more than anything right now is a nap and its only 10 in the morning!!

Still More Catching up

2011-01-13T13:10:00.000-05:00

WooHoo!!!! We have completed the “Major Holiday and Family Events” marathon!! Last weekend was the Baptism of my niece (and new Goddaughter). The baby looked like an angel in her christening gown. My sister in law out did herself finding a dress that was not only absolutely gorgeous but also a good deal. Nina is not only a better shopper than I am she’s a better housekeeper too. I have to admit I get jealous sometimes. I would LOVE it if my house was as picture perfect as hers stays. I just do not have the energy to keep it that way.
I think I’ve mentioned in other posts, I find my connection to God and to Church much more meaningful in my life these days. So standing in the service making the vows and commitments on behalf of my niece was very powerful for me. Reading the scripture passage at my sister’s wedding was so much more significant for me than it would have been even a few years ago too. I was very pleased and proud to be part of this event for the baby. I was also exhausted. I cannot tell you how much I am looking forward to a few months with no significant events or travel.
My house might even approach cleanliness again. (Although I’m sure my sister in law’s will be cleaner) My darling of a husband is already pitching in. He did dishes, some laundry, and helped start sorting out the Christmas stuff last night. And it was bowling night!! So you know the house has to be BAD!

Catching up – part 3

2011-01-12T09:30:00.002-05:00

So my sister’s wedding – where to start? Shall I comment in general about the ridiculous consumption and industry that exists around what should be a simple religious (or social) affirmation of the intention to share your life with someone? Or should I dish specifically on my sister and mother’s insanity over the whole thing? (Bridezilla would have been afraid!!) Or perhaps I should be romantic and optimistic for a change and say how very happy the bride and groom looked? Because they really did. I could just be self centered and mention how my kids (and my niece) were the most stinkin’ cute things on earth all dressed up in their gowns and tux. Except that would just tempt me even more to break my no photo rule and let you all see.

I guess I’m going to say, I worry about Bethie and her new husband, I really, REALLY do. This all went down so fast. They have KNOWN each other a grand total of something like 7 months I think. I mean when they had their first dance it was literally their FIRST TIME dancing together. Who marries someone they’ve never even danced with? I guess people who live in societies that still have arranged marriages and Lord knows there were centuries where almost all married couples practically met at the altar. But it’s a lot easier to dissolve a marriage these days and in this society than in those so it seems a little – mmm – imprudent of them.

On the other hand – now Bethie and her constant dramas, total lack of common sense, and financial irresponsibility are someone else’s issue. This could be a good thing. And it’s not like her new husband doesn’t have some idea of what she is like. He might not have known what he was getting into before he proposed at the end of September but she broke their engagement off at least 4 times between then and the wedding over the stupidest of baloney. He really loves her and perhaps she just needs some time away from our mom to grow up. Someone asked me, just before the ceremony started, how long I thought it would last. My reply was, "I’m just waiting to see if they actually get married”. They did and so – I do honestly and wholeheartedly wish them the best. It could work… but it’s gonna take a lot of work in order to.

My toast to them at the wedding went something like this:

I promise I am not going to talk forever but as an old married lady I did want to give a few words of advice to the newlyweds, and this is one time when I know they have to sit and listen:

Bethie you and “A” have a wonderful adventure ahead of you. Think of it like a roller coaster. As you sit side by side, remember to scream from the peaks, hold hands through the dips, laugh through the loops, and enjoy every twist and turn. Like any good adventure marriage is going to have its hard parts. But I can tell you from experience; this ride is so much better when you share it with the one you love. **

I can also tell you – from having done this marriage thing wrong once and finally getting it right the second time: there is no one secret to a long lasting and happy marriage but two things that help are a good sense of humor and a short memory!

“A”, remember to say those three little words as often as possible ...and in case you’re not sure what I mean ... it’s "You're right dear."

Bethie, Remember you CAN always have the last word but you really shouldn’t. Let him win sometimes!

Seriously - Both of you - Whenever you find out you were wrong, admit it. Whenever you are proven right, be quiet about it.

Kiss and hug more often than you argue. They say that couples who fight a lot the first year have more successful marriages than couples who don’t because you are learning – as you disagree over the little things - how to be prepared for the big ones life will throw your way. So don’t be discouraged if you argue a lot at first - just be sure to hug and kiss that much more.

Remember to cherish your time together (even on the days you don’t feel like it).

Take time to talk to one another.

Put your love and your family first; your job and your hobbies second.

Ladies, Gentlemen - Please raise your glasses while I toast my sister and her husband: here's to Bethie and “A” – we wish you love, laughter, and happily ever after. Cheers!

I think its decent advice at least. I hope they were listening.

** Yes. You are correct. I stole this analogy from someone. I admit it. However no one there recognized it so it worked. The best man was completely unprepared and I wanted to shake him and say “It’s called Google dude – it’s the answer to everything!!”

Catching up- part 2

2011-01-11T13:10:00.001-05:00

How in the world are you supposed to raise kids with reasonable expectations and healthy attitudes toward material possessions when NO ONE listens to you? I bought little man 4 books, a bubble machine and a stuffed dog for Christmas. Edward added an RC car. Reasonable, even if you add in the tub toys (replacement for last year’s that are getting kind of icky) and a laser pointer* that were in his stocking.
How then did he end up with:
4 ZhuZhu pets
5 Playdough sets
3 new large trucks (to add to the existing fleet)
3 SETS of small trucks (totaling 23 new in all)
A kitchen set with Stove, Fridge, Sink, Phone, Microwave and at least a month’s worth of faux groceries
6 new stuffed animals of varying size
And a bunch of other stuff not immediately coming to mind?
This does not chronicle the massive amount of loot his sister scored. I thought a 3400 square foot house would be big enough. Now I think I may have to rent a storage unit or two.
*This was kind of a necessity so he and Daddy’s will stop fighting over Daddy’s whenever he want to torment – I mean play with – the cats.

Curmudgeoning

2011-01-07T15:30:00.001-05:00

I am actively working on the transformation to bad-tempered, difficult, cantankerous old lady. The dictionary defines Curmudgeon as - An ill-tempered person full of resentment and stubborn notions. I like it. I am becoming the kind of person who starts a lot of conversations with “When I was a kid..” and proceeds to tell everyone how what they are doing is wrong. I enjoy that too.

My latest peeve has to do with kids of course – all curmudgeons have a plethora of complaints about kids. But I’m not really ranting about the kids. More about how stupid adults are in dealing with them.

How is it news that Teenagers brains are not fully formed yet? I think my great grandparents knew that! Hell, I think Adam and Eve figured that one out. And so I ask, If we know that their brains are not working right yet and they are not capable of adult thought and reasoning then why in the hell are you encouraging them to act like and consider themselves adults? Everywhere you go kids are being given the message that they are the equal of the adults in their lives. My kid’s teacher has her students address her by her first name like they were peers. When I was a kid (told you I’m saying that a lot now) if you were a kid you called everyone over say about 18 Mr. / Mrs. / Miss Smith (or their real last name which was even more polite). You even said yes sir or yes ma’am. And if you didn’t you got called on it by them, your parents, even passing strangers. Just the other day I said yes ma’am to a person helping me at the pharmacy and she told me – Oh you don’t have to call me Ma’am. Just call me Susan.

Sorry, Suze old girl, girlfriend, my peep – but, um, I don’t actually know you. So you are ma’am, Mrs Smith or MAYBE Ms Susan to me. As you should be to any one you are helping out of common courtesy. And for the younger ones also out of respect for their elders. I think I’m starting to repeat myself like a grouchy old lady too. I may have already ranted on the Ma’am thing and really that was a side wander for my brain. My real point here is teenagers are not yet capable of adult thought – so why is it that in public discourse we seem to be bombarded with advice on how we need to respect their opinions, honor their choices, blah, blah, blah. Parents should be parenting – we should be helping them develop their opinions and limiting them to age appropriate choices not allowing them all the freedoms and choices of adulthood with none of its consequences.

To me this is just another manifestation of what has going wrong in American society. We want to focus on our rights without any acknowledgement of the responsibility that accompanies them. You want the right to free speech? Then you are responsible for the impact of what you say. You have a right to your opinion? Then you have the responsibility to make it an informed one.
You know – I’ve worked myself into such a bad mood I don’t even want to rant anymore. Go away – I’m going to nap. Yes, I am at work - your point is?

Playing Catch up - part one

2011-01-06T16:41:00.002-05:00

Well I owe you guys all kinds of posts. The Holidays were a whirlwind at chez moi. In addition to the challenges of doing Christmas with families in two other cities and New Year’s, we had my baby sister’s wedding to deal with. Mega posting material there!! But rather than dive into the family drama stuff right away I thought I’d revisit something sweet, like Little Man’s visit with Santa. Little Man saw Santa for the first time in 2009. While he wasn’t at all afraid of him I can’t say he really talked to him either. In 2010 however, he hopped right up into Santa’s lap and sang out “Hello Santa!”
Santa answered in kind then asked if Little Man had been a good boy. “Yeah, uh yes sir” Little man replied. (We are working on manners and sometimes he remembers sometimes not.) Well what would you like for Christmas this year? Santa asked. And without hesitation Little Man replied “I want a Puppy pease.” (He has not got the L down there yet) I was floored. I was expecting the generic answer “toys”. You have to understand, Little Man still rations words like each one has to be paid for in gold. So even though he knows a lot of words you don’t usually hear him SAY them. I had considered that he might substitute Elmo, or a Zhu Zhu Pet** or even MeMou (Mickey Mouse is tough for him) for the generic toys but the puppy, and the full sentence, hit me out of the blue. You already know how well Santa handled this from my last post. My point here is how much has changed in a year – both in Little Man’s ability to speak, his confidence in doing so (when he chooses of course) and his understanding of social situations. (Like politeness to the dude you want to bring the puppy.) After the photo Little Man thanked Santa for the candy cane and gave him a big hug. He spent the next several days running around our house in his own Santa hat announcing “Ho, Ho, Ho Merry Christmas” in his best Santa voice. He also insisted on leaving his favorite foods for Santa along with the traditional Milk and cookies. So at our house Santa had a side of peppermints and pickles.
Alas, no puppy appeared for Christmas. He did get a couple of books featuring people dealing with new puppies, a stuffed puppy, and a calendar of puppy photos. And Mommy and Daddy are discussing the possibility of a puppy for spring when the weather is more conducive to house breaking. Guess the Easter Bunny is going to be the big hero this year.
This is what we are looking at:

How am I supposed ot hold out against that AND Little Man?

Dear Santa

2010-12-21T08:49:00.001-05:00

You are the Man. Thank you for NOT promising my Little Man a new puppy or Eden a new baby for Christmas. Mommy is seriously not up to dealing with either right now. They will probably wear me down eventually on the puppy. In fact daddy has me looking at King Charles Cavaliers already but house breaking would be a lot easier in the spring or summer!!

I really liked your reasoning too. The FAA will not let me transport live cargo in the sleigh! Priceless. I’d say you were quick on your feet but I bet you’ve had that sort of request about a gazillion times to deal with.

Oh and sorry about the earlier letter – that was my evil twin I swear.

The Moment My Heart Stopped

2010-12-17T17:27:00.003-05:00

Driving home from work, happy to be out early, I'm on my way to pick up little man from ECC so we can get on the road to see Nana and Papa. The phone rings. Hi this is Tara from ECC. Did you pick Little Man up at school today? That was it right there. I'm not sure how long it took for her next sentence to sink in. The bus has not dropped him off. And I hung up. [WHERE IS MY SON?!? my brain screams] Dial the school. [WHERE IS MY SON?!? the screaming won't stop] Someone answers. This is Little Man's mom [HOW CAN YOU SOUND SO NORMAL? WHERE IS MY SON?!?] Did Little Man get on the Bus? Why yes ma'am...and I hung up. [WHERE IS MY SON?!?] Dial the bus company. [WHERE IS MY SON?!?] Hello This is Little Man's mom do you know if there was any issue with his bus today [WHERE IS MY SON?!?]. Running late? About 20 min.? Thank you. [THANK YOU? ARE YOU CRAZY!! WHERE IS MY SON?!? MAKE THEM FIND HIM NOW]

Driving, parking, pacing sweating, shaking like an addict that needs a fix. [WHERE IS MY SON?!? They said 20 min. WHERE. It hasn't been that long yet. WHERE. Just wait. WHERE IS MY SON?!? WHEREWHEREWHERE ] There, There is the bus. Here holding holding in my arms my heart can beat again and I am crying. Sobbing , Thank You, Thank You, Thank You Oh GOD, Thank You!

Mental Gymnastics

2010-12-17T13:40:00.000-05:00

I had an interesting conversation with a friend from abroad today. We were talking about some of the business practices that are seemingly deceptive, immoral, wrong but perfectly legal. He commented on how we Americans created business so we get to set the rules.

It got me thinking in an odd direction. We Americans certainly didn’t create “business”. European countries had businesses even publically traded ones before we did. I wondered who did create “modern” business. So of course I had to Google it. According to Wikipedia (which is never wrong lol) the Dutch had the first publically traded companies in the 1600s, although there were stock exchanges in agricultural futures and government securities long before even that. It’s more like we took the basics of business that already existed and went to town on it the same way the Japanese took American quality notions and blew the rest of us away with what they did with it.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. It keeps leading me off into multiple but diverging thought branches. (All of which are kind of odd.) Like, do the initial creators of an idea ever turn out to be the ones that take it to its full potential? And how do you determine what that zenith really is and when it’s begun to decline? Or when you’ve reached a point where something has come so far from where it started that it is now something new in its own right not just a growth of what was before? Or like how we made business into almost an art and a religion of business. (There are even books on that aren’t there The Art of the Deal, The Zen (or Tao) of Business, Jesus CEO) the Japanese have done similar things with Demming. But after the dizzying ascent comes the crash. Enron, Bernie Madoff, Tyco – Lord I could go on forever with the gods of business who turned out to have feet of clay. Or if not a crash an internal decay - Toyota Quality does not quite ring so clear any more, eh?

It also got me wondering if all mortal effort has to follow through the natural cycle of birth growth maturity and decline. Have we ever seen one that does not? I mean history is one long litany of it. Is that ultimately comforting or depressing I wonder.?

Obviously, I have too much free time at work these days. Trying to follow all these paths simultaneously – skipping across one track to another is giving me a headache. This kind of thing used to be second nature to me. Sometimes I kind of miss the intellectual wanderings of my college age self. But then again sometimes I don’t. I do miss having someone to talk about them with when the sneak up on my old brain.

On Leadership

2010-12-16T10:02:00.001-05:00

So my old new boss has basically demoted me. Not officially of course but then he never officially gave me the title I was supposed to be filling in the first place, which was part of the problem in my being able to fill it, but only part. I’m not going to put it all on someone else, I own some too.

Anyway, this is likely to be a bit of a ramble so forgive me if it is too annoying. I may come back and try to clean it up some I may not. I’m feeling better but not 100% yet so I’m indulging myself in being lazy and sloppy. (My boss would be THRILLED to know that I’m sure. Ask if I care.) Old New Boss (on with the lazy theme let’s just go with ONB for him from now on, k?) said I was not operating at a “director of quality” level. And frankly I agree with him on that. However – I disagree that I am not capable of operating at that level. His quality org did not and does not need a “director of quality”. Frankly, they are too broken for that. They need, and I was being, a good hands on tactical leader. You have to have that solid foundation to build strategy on. Otherwise you can design all the cloud castles you want but you ain’t ever going to be able to move into them. Once you have the foundation then you shift gears.

His advice to me when I tried explaining that to him? Just lead that’s all. Dude – what new agey MBA books have you been reading? Just because you walk out in front of a group of people does not mean they are going to follow you. Well, some might out of laziness. But most are going to want to know where you are going, need to agree the destination is worth getting to, believe you know how to get there, and have some respect for you before they are going to follow. Try “just leading” before you establish that and all you are going to get is some variation of “who the hell does she think she is?” This is especially important when you are acting as the “Unofficial” leader because the rest of the management team is too chicken shit to take on the ineffective person who they previously put in place by officially naming you “Director”. I knew I was being brought in to clean up a mess but I had no idea what a toxic sludge of resentment, politics, personal histories and utter lack of organization I was plunging into. Did I mention that the toxic mess was not just in my department but the whole damn place?

Like I said before though some of the situation I am in is my fault. I should never have agreed to such a squidgy, ill defined, half sort of job in the first place. I also should have been firmer with my ONB and given him my vision of what was needed all laid out for him time line wise – I need this 6 months for establishing myself and building up the basics the current team lacks. Another three months to layout the vision of where we are going and deal with the skeptics, attitude problems, etc; implementation starts here – results begin there, etc. Instead I fell prey to my usual weakness which is just plunging in and doing instead of explaining, networking, building the case. I know better but I fall into that every time. I’m a doer by nature not a politic-er.
So now I work for my New New Boss (NNB), who is the same ineffective dude I was supposed to replace. He’s nice enough to me and doesn’t expect much so it’s pretty easy to keep him happy. But I am miserable. I mean, I like not being stressed all the time and being able to forget about work when I leave. Little Man is so much more important to me than work anyway. But the atmosphere here is so poisonous and my work ethic is zero. I can’t feel good about that. Worse I feel like I am becoming the same kind of negative “not my job” person as the ones I was brought into change. I pray about that A LOT. What all this tells me is I have to be looking for a new “new job”. Sigh. I hate job hunting. I also hate feeling like I failed here. And I did – the deck may have been stacked but I still took the hand and lost. That sucks.

Random Thoughts

2010-12-15T16:47:00.000-05:00

Automated phone tree answering systems are the spawn of Satan. Every time you get sucked into one of them a little of your soul dies and all of hell has a party.
(Associated thought – I must be a bigger badass than the devil because I finally beat one of the most pernicious of them after six months of trying and got to a real live person who was friendly and helpful!!! See even in phone hell there is hope.)

File this under TMI – you know you are taking multi tasking too far when not only do you bring your blackberry to the bathroom with you so you can process e-mail while you do your bathroom business but you can wash and dry one hand at a time and text with the other.

The friend that said I was wrong to mock the little whorelets at the club the other night – I should be praying for them instead - was only half right. I SHOULD be praying for them – a LOT. In fact I am now praying that they find someone or something that fosters in them a sense of self-worth and dignity. In fact I think they need a whole prayer chain and suggested it to several friends. HOWEVER, I think I should also have mocked their behavior and clothing even more ferociously – in hopes of making even one person about to commit the same crime against their self and all women – STOP and THINK.

Does anyone else think Insurance companies actively stall, delay and generally make more red tape and bother for those folks who really need medical care on purpose? I believe that they target the elderly and chronically ill in hopes that they will “wear them out” and or “out last” them and thus make more money. I suppose my friend would say I should pray for them too but I’m not that good a Christian yet. If I even try my prayers end up something like this – “ God, I know only you are supposed to judge and mete out punishment but if you need any ideas or an administrator …”

It has been a week – one week - and already teachers at the new daycare are bringing my son presents. If that charm does not wear off some he’s going to be lethal.

I still feel like crap – so this is all you get for a post today.

Strep Sucks

2010-12-14T23:22:00.001-05:00

That's all I have energy for today.

Dear Santa

2010-12-13T23:03:00.003-05:00

I know I have not been very good this year. In fact i pretty much have stayed my same old bitchy self in spite of trying like hell to make something better of me. However, there are a few things I have done right in very trying circumstances recently and I'd like to point them out in case they slipped your notice.

Most recently, I did not breath my strep germs all over the paperwork for the customer that is currently annoying the hell out of me. I took pity on all the other employees at that company that have not been jackass extraordinaire to me that would probably be 100 times more likely to actually handle the papers.

In a related act of kindness I have not made even a single trip into my new new bosses office or my old new bosses of ice to breath on their phones.

In an act that was truly heroic, I did not stomp the ass of the drunken whore that fell on me last Saturday. I know I know I did not help her up but I also did not stop others from helping her up as I dearly wanted to.

I have not told my sister Bethie and her fiancee how nauseatingly cutsie they are nor have I popped Bethie's bubble by informing her that he may write her poetry and send roses every month now but in just three weeks he's going to start expecting her to wash his dirty underwear and leave his socks balled up in the living room.

You know - On second thought, I have been nice this year so I'm done justifying - bring me some loot fat man.

It’s Raining Ho’s

2010-12-13T14:56:00.001-05:00

At least it was last Saturday night. That’s right - you read me right. I said Ho’s, as in whores, hookers, prostitutes, wenches, streetwalkers, ladies of the night, soiled doves, sluts, strumpets, whatever you want to call them. And I mean literally raining –like fell from the sky and landed on me. Well, ok, her drunken ass fell off the bar not from the sky but what she lacked in height driven velocity she made up for in sheer weight. There is nothing like nearly being crushed to death by a drunken nasty slut to ruin a “party” mood.
Actually, I should admit I wasn’t in much of a party mood to start with. We took my baby sister out for her bachelorette party and since some of the girls were underage we went to one of those 17 and over dance clubs. OMFG – to use the vernacular of the evening – what passes for club wear these days used to be considered rather trashy even when worn as the sort of “do me” attire reserved for the bedroom to spice up a sex life getting a little routine. Crotchless panties – pfffft – why wear panties at all!!
Not one but several Brittney wannabee’s sported the sans undergarment look with their hooker-iffically short dresses. And to them I say – “Child if you MUST show your hooha to the world you should at least get PAID. And Dear God – WAX. It’s called a Brazilian!!
Then there was the one with the backless blouse, no back – but a regular black bra – strap all out there. Duh! If there is a time it’s APPROPRIATE to leave off an undergarment that would be it! She must have REALLY liked that bra however because at some point during the evening she decided we all could not see enough of it and rolled up the front of her backless blouse to tuck it ABOVE the bra.
These were not “Pretty Woman” looking strumpets either. This was more John Travolta as Edna Turnblad than Julia Roberts. And if the clothes and looks were not bad enough – the behavior. I’m just speechless. Really. I’ve done some bump and grind in clubs myself. I’m not a total prude. But I.CANT.EVEN.FIND.THE.WORDS.
I spent most of the evening split between keeping perverts away from the girls (yeah the males in this club need a whole post of their own) and my sister and trying to find a direction to look that did not make me want to claw out my eyes. As the mom of a 10 year old I am beyond appalled. Where are these girls’ parents? What in the hell are they doing buying these these –ok I honestly can’t come up with the right word for the non garments that they were(n’t) wearing. We as a society have got to find a way to dial back the skank-o-meter before my daughter gets much older. ‘Cause if we don’t - it looks like I’ll be locking her in the basement for the next 10- 15 years.

And She’s Back Again

2010-12-10T14:21:00.000-05:00

No apologies no excuses just jumping right in. It’s not that I don’t care what you think – it’s just I’m pretty sure none of you are still hanging around. 

So, I’m worrying myself sick this week. Why you might ask? If you were still here that is. Because it’s who I am. No really – there is not good reason but I can’t seem to get off the worry train even though it’s just sitting here at the station with nowhere to go. The track I seem to be circling at the moment is “what if”. What if I lose my job, what if I don’t have insurance for Little Man’s health needs, what if we are not doing enough to create a healthy image of his native country, he takes so much energy what if I get sick and don’t have it to give, what if, what if, what if.

I should not be doing this. Little Man is doing great – his speech is really improving and as far as his cognitive development goes – I think he’s above average. He’s already figured out that male master strategy of pretending you can’t do something if you don’t want to do it. And as for his social development – he continues to wind every person he meets around his finger in a matter of hours at most. He started a new daycare place with not a single tear and within 3 days had them rearranging their entire swim class schedule so he could go swimming (he takes a bus to his therapy appointments in the afternoon and that is when his class was supposed to swim).

Money is tight at the moment – seems like life always finds a way to throw you a loop there. Edward is back to work and the other house has rented but before we had time to rebuild savings we had a vehicle go bad and suck up funds for fixes, then my sister Bethie decided to schedule a rush wedding for 1-1-01 (two bridesmaid gowns, two tuxes, room at the hotel, making favors and invites) and of course holiday spending. Oh and my god daughter came in from Peru unexpectedly – with no winter clothes of course. None of which is really beyond normal “shit happens” stuff. So I don’t know why I can’t get off the Anxiety Express. I’m hoping it’s just hormonal and it will go away on its own.

Hope all of you are enjoying a Holiday season with every bit as much excitement and a whole lot less frazzle.

His Heart's in the Right Place

2010-09-12T18:46:00.002-04:00

So little man is into cleaning. I can't remember if I told you guys about the time I caught him cleaning the toilet bowl with my tooth brush. Today he decided to help again. I found him mopping the kitchen floor by dipping the mop into the cats water bowl!!

I know I know - some woman is going to love this someday. I'm fostering his interests by letting him was his own cup and plate after dinner and also letting him vacuum. He also likes to help with the laundry. He will move the clothes from the dryer to the basket and the washer to the dryer. He requires supervision though as he doesn't really care if they are ready fro transfer when he is ready to do it. He also likes to put clothes down the laundry chute. He emptied all the hampers down it and then started on emptying all clean clothes in the dressers!

It sure takes longer to get chores done this way. But yes, I'm loving every minute of it.

Blue Blue Blue Blue Blue

2010-08-30T20:23:00.002-04:00

No really good reason. Just am. Been using any energy I can find to cuddle my little man and try not to drag Edward down too. I'm gonna stop moping I swear - some day soon now - and get back on track.

Just finished reading A Year of Living Biblically

2010-07-11T23:18:00.002-04:00

It was a good read, insightful and thought provoking yet still fun. So much writing on religion feels ponderous or pontificating. This managed to be lighthearted and amusing but still respectful – even reverent. It should have been grist for a good post. Especially since I have been mulling over some readings I’ve done on the theology of adoption lately. Maybe it still will at some point but the endless day in the airport has turned my brain to mush. I know surely I should have been able to find some useful way to use this time but honestly – having gotten up at 4AM after not more than maybe 5 hours sleep – reading and playing a few on line games felt like all I could manage. I tried to sleep perched awkwardly on a wicker settee with my duffle under my head and my arm wrapped in my backpack straps but I am a LONG way from my twenties, which is the last time I pulled that off.*
So here I sit, only semi conscious waiting for my co workers flight to arrive. It should be here in the next ten minutes or so but then we have a three hour drive to the boarder. Sigh. There are much worse things in life than a day wasted in an airport with too little sleep. A man I knew at mega corp. is battling terminal cancer. He just had surgery to remove a tumor that had crushed one of his vertebrae. Every day for him is pain filled both physically and emotionally as he knows his time is drawing ever shorter. I feel like such a selfish swine for the petty things I complain about. But here’s the thing – contemplating others suffering doesn’t make me feel better. Knowing hi is in physical and emotional torment doesn’t relieve my burning eyes or cramped legs or how lonely I will feel laying in my hotel bed tonight without Edward beside me or little man snuggled between us. **
Is that my failing? Do reminders of those suffering far worse make other people feel better? It’s always seemed a strange way of comforting someone to me. Kind of like when my parents would admonish us to clean our dinner plates because of all the starving children elsewhere in the world. I never understood how my overeating helped with their hunger.
You know I’m not sure I’m even making sense at the moment. Just tired ramblings. Perhaps it’s time to close up the lap top and wander some again.

* I once slept 8 hours on the floor of the airport in Lima. But that WAS in my 20s.

** Little Man has been easing his nightmares by climbing in with us pretty regularly. I suppose I should be doing more to discourage that.

Tragedy of the Mundane

2010-07-11T14:07:00.002-04:00

Here I am mid flight for my second business trip away from the family and I have to say I resent it just as much as the first even if I am not crying over it this time the way I did the last one. Part of the problem is that my traveling companion, an engineer from my company and the one who selected the ungodly early flight I got on this morning, ended up missing said flight and will be arriving SEVEN hours later than I do. Since we are sharing a car this means I’ll be stuck in the Phoenix airport for SEVEN hours. I keep reminding myself I’m on flimsy ground here being upset over this. On the last trip, I was the one who was late, missed the flight, and had him waiting for a couple of hours. However, as I repeat this to myself my mind whines back, “yeah a couple of hours vs SEVEN. SEVEN hours.” I think part of the reason I am stuck on that is because I keep thinking of them as seven hours I could have spent at home with my family. But that’s not realistic. I would not have and any extra time with my husband or kids if he had made the flight – just longer to be bored at the hotel. Or to nap. That could be part of the problem. Getting up at 4 AM to drive two hours, on a Sunday, and take an early morning flight because it is a little cheaper for the company is what is really irking me I think. I won’t be doing it again. My traveling companion is not spending those seven hours with his wife or kids either – he is doing the hideous three transfer route that is the other “less expensive” approved flight.

I’m so not loving this job at the moment. Actually, I’m not loving it most f the moments here lately. I’ve started wondering if my new primary care doctor is right and I’m a bit – or more than a bit – depressed. It started out with an unshakable fatigue no matter how much I slept. She suggested some anti depressant and because it seemed easier than arguing I agreed to a very low dose. I have to admit – I’m less tired but not by much. Worse though is that my little bit of increased energy seems to have all gone into being unhappy. I can honestly say – I didn’t feel this malaise before – I was too exhausted to feel anything but tired. Now I feel stressed and worried and unhappy AND tired. It’s hard to see it as an improvement.

Whine, whine, whine - need to get back to feeling grateful for all the many things I have to be grateful for!

He's trying to kill me!!

2010-07-01T20:41:00.005-04:00

Little Man just about gave me two heart attacks last night. I had a crappy day at work and came home with a rotten headache. So as you can imagine, Chuck E Cheese was the last place in the world I wanted to go for dinner. But we had been promising Eden for days that we would go - so off we set. Normally Edward is more up for the place than I am being a big kid himself. He loves playing the arcade games with or without the guise of helping the children. However, yesterday my darling husband had his own headache brewing and so we arrived at the establishment with no enthusiasm what so ever on the adults behalf.

I find the place at least mildly repugnant even on the best of days. I detest it for being crowded, hideously loud, garishly lit, and ridiculously over priced. Oh and the pizza sucks too. So I stood at the counter to order with a sort of grim determination. The best I hoped for the evening was not to spoil the kids fun.

Imagine my surprise when Little Man's obvious joy as he bounced from game to ride began to rub off on me. I was caught about as unprepared as you can imagine, having been lulled into a semi good mood, when I heard his piercing screams ringing from the game floor all the way to the ladies room where I was currently occupied. (Little TMI for you - there are some feminine hygiene moments that are really hard to rush - or even complete - when your hands are shaking and your heart pounding with terror.) I charged out of the ladies room (with as much speed as I could manage) to find Little Man on the top level of the climbing gym (you know those vast gerbil cage looking things they put up for kids) clinging to the safety mesh and bellowing at the top of his rather formidable lungs.

Fortunately, one of those bendy snake hipped young moms had already been following her own toddlers up the gerbil run and kindly grabbed Little Man with the idea of helping him down to me. Instead of tottering down into my waiting arms for comfort however, the little turkey used her as a spring launch into the tunnel he could not reach on his own and took off grinning a mile wide. Mama staggered back to our table shaking from the adrenaline surge and trying and figure out what that had all been about.

Later that evening, having been lulled back into sort of enjoying myself in spite of the crappy pizza, Little Man coerced me into playing a shoot em up style game with him and Daddy. That grin of his gets me every time. It was some sort of Jurassic Park themed thing where you sit in in a seat that moves and jounces you around like you are really fleeing the raptors in a jeep while you try to shoot them on the screen bouncing in front of you. I do NOT play video games. I detest video games.* So picture me desperately clutching Little Man with one hand to keep him from being jounced off the seat, while maintaining a death grip on the controller with the other, shooting a constant stream of digital ammo like Al Pacino in Scarface.** All the while chanting - "I hate these games! I hate these games! How long does it take to die anyway for krissakes? Oh I hate these games!"

I ended up playing a full 3 minutes longer than Daddy, who LIKES shoot em up games because I could not just let the damn things kill me. They were charging me - you have to shoot at dinosaurs charging at you - you can't just sit there and get trampled. It's like some biologically controlled imperative - read your Darwin damn it.

I swear it took the rest of the night for my blood pressure to come back to normal. I think Edward is still laughing at me. I think I may be too old for this mom gig.

* Except perhaps Guitar Hero - at least the noise it makes is cool.
** Had Al been facing a warehouse full of digital T-Rex's rather than Hispanic drug lords.

The Boogie Man’s been visiting – Sure wish he’d go home

2010-06-28T15:13:00.003-04:00

Little man has started having nightmares. I don’t know if y’all remember when Eden was going through this. It’s definitely not at that point but it is still hard on the poor little guy. He doesn’t speak well enough yet to tell us what is wrong. It’s not night terrors since he recognizes us and can be soothed by our presence. And I don’t think it is the same as when he was just not comfortable alone in a bed. He had gotten to the point with that issue that there were no tears – he just came and got into our bed. Besides he does not need anyone to lay with him anymore to go to sleep. I do sit in his rocker for awhile until he settles down and sometimes even falls asleep but that is more to prolong my time with him than because he needs someone there to be comfortable.

Developmentally he’s between two and three and that is a pretty common age for nightmares. Researching them on line I found a pretty good article that says:

“Nightmares are greatly influenced by the particular stressors and anxieties present in the child's waking life. Typical childhood nightmares include dreams of abandonment; of being lost; of falling; or being chased, bitten, or eaten by a monster or hostile animal. Dream researchers have observed a developmental progression in the content and frequency of children's nightmares. A two-year-old dreamer may recall a fearful dream, but be unable to give form to the source of the threat. By the age of five, the frightened young dreamer may identify the attacker as a monster or wild animal. Older children who have developed more of an understanding of real-life dangers report dreams of pursuit by mean or bad people. Children gradually develop the ability to understand the difference between dreams and reality. Very young children have great difficulty believing that the dream is not real. By three to four years of age, however, most children can distinguish between the nightmare content and their waking reality.”

I suspect that being abandoned, lost, or alone is probably a big part of Little Man’s nightmares. We have a couple of story books – Bear Feels Scared and Little Critter’s Just Lost – which he likes to read and that I try to emphasize the “found” part of in hopes that will help. Since balloons are a big fear at the moment too I suspect there is some kind of big bad balloon monster that troubles him as well, that I’m at a loss for how to help with. Mostly we just focus on getting to him as soon as we hear him cry out and soothing him until he is ready to snuggle back into his bed. I usually hover for a few minutes afterward as well to be sure he does not reawaken quickly. My husband has gotten much better about hearing him than even I am and he does the same. Gets to him as fast as possible and rubs his back and head until he is soothed back to sleep. On nights when he is faster than we are we may even pull him into bed with us to snuggle back to sleep.

Until he can express what is wrong I don’t know that there is anything else we can do. But I can assure you - if I catch that balloon boogie man lurking around the house anywhere you can be sure I’ll kick his ass

Do AP's get Angry?

2010-06-27T20:28:00.003-04:00

You know this kind of reminded me of a few posts I've read on how adoptees are not seen as human. There are several very logical and well written pieces on that out there - the most salient in my mind is how child theft for adoption purposes is NOT classified as human trafficking by the US government. Insanity!

But you know - in certain circles adoptive parents are not given the right to be human either. I mean really - do we get angry? How can we not? While adoptive parents may be on the "winning" side of the propaganda wars* there is still lots we get angry about. I don't claim to speak for all adoptive parents - in fact I can't speak for anyone but myself.

But if you are asking, "Do you get angry"? Oh. My. God. Yes.

I am angry every time I watch Little Man struggle to master a skill that should be effortless for him by this age. I'm angry that intense and prolonged fetal alcohol exposure has robbed him of an irreplaceable part of who he was meant to be. And I can't even begin to express my fury every time I bathe him and note yet again the permanent marks abuse has left on him.

But I don't get to talk about any of this. First and foremost because anything more than passing and generic mention of his past history is just not right. Those details are his not mine to make public. Second because to discuss any of that stuff would reinforce the poisonous "Oh he's so lucky / You are such good people" crap we work so hard to keep away from him, and finally because the adoptee community does not want to acknowledge that adoptees like my son exist. Children that had to be removed from abusive situations are a myth invented to perpetuate the corrupt adoption industry - not real living breathing children.

* There is no winning side in any war and I really believe the endless "adoption wars" hurt all members of the triad.

Well you guys were a lot of help

2010-06-22T09:50:00.000-04:00

Here I come to you with my dilemma over the cell phone her mom bought Eden, and you did not rush to chime in with how horrible it was for a 9 year old to have a personal cell. I was forced to poll my friends and acquaintances in person in order to garner the resounding support for my position that I was hoping for.

Seriously – I just don’t understand Eden’s mom at the moment. She doesn’t want any one discussing the birds and the bees with Eden because she wants her to stay “innocent” as long as possible. But she gives her a phone (Hello!! Heard of sexting in the news much?) and takes the child with her to the Eagles Club - a “Family Dinner club” where Eden has watched a drunken woman removed by force and been frightened and harassed by another drunk. What do they do at this “family dinner club” you may wonder (I know I did)? Well Mom tends bar and Step Dad drinks beer and Eden plays scratch tickets, pick tickets and video games or watches the guys shoot pool. Funny but it doesn’t sound like any “family environment” or “dinner club” I’ve been to. It does however, sound a lot like the BARs I used to hang out in – BEFORE I had kids!!

I am thoroughly disgusted and fed up with the situation. Edward does not approve any more than I do but he will not say anything to her. He is afraid that if he makes an issue of these things then Liz will not let him see Eden. (There is no court degree on visitation – they’ve never needed one before). I think he’s pretty off base there. I don’t believe she is going to give up her free child care whenever she wants a weekend off and it’s not like she could try to take him to court for more money – He’s not working at the moment so if anything they would make him give her less.

I’m hoping that Eden will enjoy her summer with us so much she will ask to stay – she arrives today. Short of that I see no help for the current state of affairs. What I do foresee is my poor daughter growing up way too fast and then being shipped off to us as an out of control 14 to 16 year old.

On Gratitude

2010-06-18T08:40:00.002-04:00

I’ve heard a lot of people railing against the idea that they should be grateful. I do it myself upon occasion. And I whole heartedly agree that there are times when reminders to be grateful are inappropriate. After my dad passed the folks that said – “You should be grateful, at least he didn’t suffer” were pretty lucky I was so shell shocked by the suddenness of his passing. If I had not been, I might have been telling them “You should be grateful I only beat you half to death rather than all the way there.” So I fully understand that there are times and conversations where exhortations of gratitude are completely out of line.

But sometimes I think the attitude against gratitude goes too far. I heard someone say recently “It’s wrong for anyone to expect children to be grateful for having a good family.” I disagree. It’s wrong for parents to bludgeon their kids with expectations of gratitude for merely putting food in their mouths and a roof over their head (and that goes regardless of whether the child is adopted, or a step child, or a foster child, or a biological child). Yes, every child deserves a loving home, every single one. But honestly I see nothing at all wrong with realizing and acknowledging that while every single child DESERVES that, not everyone GETS it. I see nothing wrong with being grateful for what you have.

I’m grateful for the parents I had. They may not have been perfect but they were good parents and I had a good home. I had times in my childhood when I was not grateful to be sure – times when, in fact, I was a spoiled and absolutely rotten brat. I think that is normal. I suspect almost all kids have periods of time where they do not appreciate their parents or their family. There are times when adults are not grateful for the good things in their life. Again it’s normal. But I don’t see – in general and with an understanding of time and place – what is wrong with reminders to “count your blessings”.

I think our culture overall has gotten way too focused on what they are entitled to. I don’t believe this culture of entitlement has done us any good. You can find studies all over the place (yes reputable psychological and sociological studies) that show people who cultivate gratitude are happier and psychologically healthier. You can find them all over if you just Google gratitude but here, here, and here are a couple of links if you want to check it out.

I encourage gratitude in my kids. I hope I do it in a positive way. I try to. I’ll give you an example. A couple of days ago Eden was griping on the phone about having to spend half a day shopping with Nana and Sissy and that it was “boring”. I told her she should be grateful to be with Nana and Sissy because A) she had people who were willing to give up all of their vacation week with the exception of that one afternoon to spend time with her doing what she wanted, ( it was only half the day and for the rest of the week they were going to be taking her to Bush Gardens, Aquatic world, and the zoo) and B) I know without a doubt that well over half of any money they spent on this shopping trip was spent on her. All in all, I don’t see what she has to complain about.

As an adoptive parent this does get a little trickier. I do not think Little Man should be grateful to Edward or and I because we “saved” him from life in an orphanage* or because he will have more material advantages with us than he may have had otherwise. I don’t think he owes his first mother gratitude for not being aborted. Yes, some people say crap like this and more. How to balance encouraging an overall grateful attitude toward life without reinforcing any of the stupid messages that society at large will lob at him will be a challenge. I don’t know how I’ll meet it yet, probably just one situation at a time. But if he were to give the same complaint to me that Eden did above – in that specific situation – I think my answer would be exactly the same. And I don’t see any problem with that.

I make a habit of finding at least three things to be grateful for personally every day. Sometimes it’s harder than others. I’ve had days where my list went something like – “I’m grateful today is over, I’m grateful I’ll never have to live it over again, I’m grateful I don’t have to come up with more than three items.” But there are a lot more days where I can’t stop at just three things and I know taking the time to count my blessings as it were has made me a happier and a better person.

* For the record we did not “save” my son from anything nor did we ever intend to. We adopted because we wanted to enlarge our family and while his life would have been different** if he had stayed in the orphanage it was not a place he required saving from.

** And another thing – different does not automatically equal better or worse. I reject the notion that something cannot be different without having to have a superior or inferior ranking – sometimes different is just different.

Electronic Youth

2010-06-17T13:49:00.001-04:00

Should a child have a personal cell phone? I have my opinion but really I’d like someone else’s, someone not involved and therefore objective. Here’s all the pertinent info (at least what I think is pertinent – maybe I’m biased in that too):

• The child in question is 9 (and is obviously my daughter Eden).
• She is not particularly responsible about her personal belongings. (She’s lost a Nintendo DS system, countless game boy games, multiple MP3 players, innumerable $25.00 ear phone sets – you get the picture)
• The phone will be provided with the phone numbers of the family members she is allowed to call preprogrammed in.
• The phone plan, however, is not in any way restricted to those numbers. She can call any number and anyone with her phone number can call her.
• It is a photo and text enabled phone and plan. She knows how to use both.
• She does travel back and forth between her mother and father (although never unaccompanied by someone related to her) and has no way to stay in touch with the one she is not currently with other than by phone.
• She has never been restricted from using the phone in either house hold when she wanted to get in touch with the other.
So what do you say? Should a 9 year old – in these circumstances - have a personal cell? Need more info to comment? Just ask. I really really want to know what you think.

Still Muddling Along

2010-06-16T13:53:00.000-04:00

I feel like I’ve developed a sort of selective bipolar disorder when it comes to work. I go from loving my job and begin thoroughly energized by the possibilities to being completely disgusted by it and totally apathetic. I have not been able to pinpoint yet what seems to flip that switch. I can go in streaks of several days either way or flip back and forth in a single day. It’s maddening.
We spend too much of our life at work to be miserable with it. I don’t expect to love every part of my job every minute. As my Dad used to say, “There is a reason someone has to pay you to work. If it were always fun you‘d do it for free.” But I think it’s important to be reasonably content with your occupation the majority of the time. Just think how much of your time you are throwing away every day if you are not. If I were unhappy most of the time – or even just unhappy to sort of dissatisfied then I’d be seriously looking to do something new. But I’m not. Some days I am totally jazzed. I feel incredibly motivated to make a difference and like anything is possible if we just go after it. Then for no reason I can pinpoint I feel like nothing we do will ever matter and why the hell bother.
I’d almost worry I was really having some mental illness issue except I don’t have that swing for everything. I have moods sure – and some days I’m more easily upset than others about non work related stuff. But not the total reversal I seem to be having there. I’m not really sure what to do about it – how to uncover what is the cause or what corrective action I can take but I sure want to find one.
I know I was really unhappy this week because of being away from home and away from Edward and little man. I was busy enough during the day to keep my mind off that and can get by ok then. But in the evenings or morning I was a mess – weepy and miserable. I shouldn’t have been – the location was lovely. The hotel was actually more of a resort and the grounds and gardens were beautiful. The surrounding mountains were gorgeous and the whole atmosphere was so tranquil. I should have been soaking it all in but I never could seem to adjust my mind to do that.
Even here at home I have this piece of the problem though. I miss Little Man during the day and hate that I have to get up before he is awake and miss being in touch with his teachers. The best part of my day is pulling into the drive way and seeing him come running to me for his hug yelling “Mama”. Practically speaking, I have to spend at least two years with my new company. They have spent quite a bit moving us and it would all have to be paid back within 30 days if I left the company. But I wonder if I should not spend the next two years looking at changing careers so I could spend more time at home with my little guy. I don’t think we could ever afford for me to not work at all but we could probably make some lifestyle adjustments and get by with my making less.
I know I just had this decision to make when this job opportunity came up and I’m not saying I am sure I made the wrong choice because there are still those times when I absolutely love what I do. And bad days don’t always seem to correlate to more time away from home. I have days where I work a ton of hours and still am totally up on the job. But that’s the only idea I have – only thing I can think of to try - and then see if I get away from the up / down craziness that way.

The Things I Don’t Say

2010-06-15T17:59:00.001-04:00

I read a lot of adult adoptee blogs. I often do not enjoy it. Of course, I don’t do it for pleasure. I do it because I feel like its part of my responsibility to Little Man. It breaks my heart to read the pain so many adult adoptees suffer. I know there is no prefect way to parent so I can prevent Little Man from ever feeling any of it. But I also believe I can learn something from the adopted children who have gone before and hopefully help Little Man navigate his way along his adopting journey better than I would without reading it.

So I read when it makes me sad. And I read when it makes me mad. And for the most part I don’t comment much. I do now and then. More often at those blogs where I feel like the adoptee is open to teaching us adoptive parents. It’s not their responsibility to, and I’m grateful some choose to. Others are blogging simply for themselves. And they have every right to. But I never comment there.
Because a lot of those are the ones that make me mad. I get tired some times of reading how all adoptive parents are privileged entitled, self important baby thieves. We are all ghoulish, mentally ill, infertiles who would cut infants out of their mother’s womb if only that were legal too. I want sometimes to defend myself there. But I don’t. Why - because there are plenty of places celebrating the positive side of adoption. Because adoptees are positively buried in places that tell them how great adopting is and how grateful they should be. Because somehow going into THEIR space and asserting MY truth seems like shushing them once more. I have my own blog to tell my story, to defend myself if I really feel the need to.

The thing is outside of reading those blogs I don’t really feel the need to defend our family. I know we did what was best for all of us, my son, my daughter, my husband and myself. So why read those blogs at all if they are going to make me upset? You know, there’s a lot of parenting that is about doing what you should, what is best for your child, as opposed to what you want, or prefer, or are comfortable with. Lord knows there are times when I REALLY want 20 minutes peace and quiet by myself but Little Man or Eden need my attention. There are tons of days I WANT another hour’s sleep more than my next breath but the kids are up and so I get up too. I may not like to hear the anger and pain and especially the accusing and harsh voices that share it at times but I need to – Little Man needs me to.

So – there’s a lot I might want to say – but I don’t – and in the end it doesn’t really matter to me that I do not. The thing is, there are things I’d like to ask sometimes but I don’t do that either. How can you watch someone bleed from the heart and then ask – “do you mind if I poke around in there some”? So I keep reading hoping they will get around to what I want to ask about on their own.

Honeymoon's over

2010-06-14T20:07:00.003-04:00

Little man is being SO challenging and having tantrums over absolutely EVERTHING these days. It's frustrating but also good news in a way. He finally feels secure enough with us to act up. I'm pretty sure that is what it is because he does not feel that comfortable at school yet. They saw a little flash of temper from him for the first time this week and asked us if he ever throws things or yells at home.

After we finished laughing we told them uh - yeah every day just about all day long. I know it's a normal developmental phase and I am glad he is comfortable enough now to have a fit and still be sure we will love him. But boy am I going to need a LOT of patience to get through this next little bit to the other side.

Little man is also getting so dang BIG. I can hardly hold him on my lap any more for story and snuggles before bed. He spills over every which way. His legs are so long. He has a runner or swimmers body at the moment. All leg and shoulder and lean as a string. He just had his most recent evaluation at school and still lags significantly in speech but is gaining more there every day. His muscle development is also still a little behind so they are going to start formal OT and PT again which I am very glad of. I never agreed with it not being done.

I'll tell you what. Saturday night when I got home and put him to bed, I sat in his room in the rocking chair for a long time after he fell asleep. I cried and cried just watching him. His babyhood is really gone - he sleeps alone in his bed - he feeds himself, he can dress himself (with the exception of buttons). I hate that I missed even those 7 days with him. That's seven bed times, seven baths - I know that will seem silly but I already missed 2 and a half years. I don't want to miss a single moment more. It makes me crazy that I miss his wake up every morning and taking him to and picking him up from school. I don't want to give up any time I do have.

The honeymoon may be over but I'm more in love than ever.

Being a Parent Changes you

2010-06-07T08:13:00.003-04:00

Yeah yeah yeah all you non parents are saying. I did too. Its one of those cliched sayings that no one how has not experienced it believes. I suddenly realized this morning that the people saying it are probably not trying to convince any one and that it doesn't really matter if any the not yet parents or never going to be parents believe it.

It occurred to me that a lot of times it is being said as an expression of surprise - kind of like the surprise I am feeling today. Before adopting Little Man I loved to travel. I traveled often for work and looked forward to it. Going from single to married put a little crimp in that enjoyment but not to terribly. I missed my darling husband as I left and when settling down in my bed at night but during the day I was still so busy and interested in the new places and people that it didn't really bother me all that much.

Now taking my first real business trip of any length after Little Man has come to us- I HATE it. I could care less that the area is beautiful and the hotel very plush and the work interesting and important to the company. I HATE being here. I HATE not kissing my Little Man and tucking him into bed last night. I cried on and off all day yesterday and today is not starting out any better.

Where else do you find Dilbert and Mary Poppins in the same post?

2010-06-01T12:34:00.001-04:00

There are so many things I have wanted to blog about lately – but I just cannot find the time. Life is somehow moving at warp speed on me again. One of them is this invitation in the comments a couple of posts back to be interviewed about my blog. That’s a total joke right? One of my 3 or 4 friends who actually read my blog put someone up to it. It has to be ‘cause – well – who reads this otherwise? I mean it’s not like I have a coherent theme that would draw people back. I blog about adoption occasionally but not with any regularity. And really, I don’t consider myself any kind of authority on the subject. There are much better blogs for folks to check out on that topic. And although I started the blog to talk about co parenting and blended families and such I don’t get around to that all that much either. Although, I really need to since there’s plenty on my mind on that topic lately. There is the occasional snark about the working world that pops in but Dilbert this ain’t. And while I may be funny now and then I would not say you can come here for a regular giggle. So really – how would I describe the place to someone and why would they want to stop by? I appreciate my few readers – and love their occasional comments but mostly I blog as a kind of on line diary. I can’t imagine why folks would find it interesting.
My biggest concern right now is finding reliable child care. (Hey, look – it’s a working mom’s blog) My darling husband would someday -someday soon here in fact- like to go back to work. But until we find someone to watch the Little Man he does not feel like he can even seriously look. I thought we had a nanny lined up. She seemed like a good find. College student finishing undergrad and starting grad school – degree in early child hood development, going to be a child psychologist, passed the background and DMV check. (You say paranoid – I say sensibly cautious) Except – she just never showed up for work. Or returned the calls we made to find out why she never showed. I wonder if we ought to report her missing. Maybe we’ll see her as one of the victims on America’s Most Wanted someday. But I doubt it. I suspect she probably found something with hours she prefers, or better pay, or closer to where her boyfriend lives, or whatever. And really if she wasn’t reliable enough to even CALL and tell us – Little Man is better off NOT in her care. But it really sucks to be going back to the beginning on this process. And it’s a bit of a chicken and egg thing. We need a nanny so Edward can work. But we really need Edward working so we can afford to pay enough to attract a good nanny.
Where is Mary Poppins when you need her?

Awesome Post Here

2010-05-25T14:23:00.003-04:00

Man - this says so much of what I have been trying and trying to say and just not getting right. Go read it right now - its way better than anything I've got to say. I'll wait.

I think we all do this - we marginalize one another's pain. Try to qualify it because we don't want to face what we can't fix. Why? I really believe it is because we don't want to look clearly at the fact that we cannot prevent our own or our loved ones pain. It will come - when, over what will be different from person to person but you will suffer it at some time over something. Your children will too.

I found the loss of my father and the miscarriages I had the most excruciatingly painful things in my life. After both I had people say the most cruel and dismissive things. I don't think they MEANT to be cruel but it doesn't change the impact of what they said.

I still have such a long way to go in terms of not being a little Ms. Fixit. But I am trying very very hard these days to learn to just listen, just let people have their truth. I think the world would be much better if we all did.

How the Hell did THIS Happen

2010-05-17T11:26:00.002-04:00

Been MIA again I know. Between the new promotion at the new job and trying to conquer the flood of moving boxes and battle the usual spring creeping crud (cold / sinus) I have been busy. Or I have been asleep trying to recover enough energy to keep on being busy.
Things are going pretty well I think. Well, aside from the creeping crud. I hate being sick and it seems like my immune system stays low enough that I catch every little thing that comes along. I am trying to do something about it in that I am getting more rest whenever possible. I go to bed earlier than I’d like – because I now get up earlier than I like to. I try to make sure I get at least 7-8 hours of sleep a night. I am taking a multi vitamin and extra iron and Omega 3. (I tend to run low on iron and the Omega three is supposed to be good for energy) What I am not doing yet and need to find a way to add in is exercising. But have you ever noticed how damn hard it is to exercise when you are already tired and crappy feeling? Yeah, yeah – I know excuses, excuses.
So – on to my question of the day – How in the HELL did I end up embroiled in a crazy redneck drama involving old colleagues from Mega corp. and whether they are doing the nasty with each other rather than their respective partners? I mean I somehow managed to avoid any of this kind of crap the entire time I was AT Mega corp. So how does it circle back now that I am multiple states away and no longer work there? And really, where do people find these kind of nut jobs to date? Who calls former co workers of their current boyfriend to ask if they are sleeping around with people in the office? Normal people do not do this, do they?
This led to a series of extremely awkward calls for me. They went kind of like this:

Crazy Girl Friend “Tina do you know if my boyfriend is sleeping with “So and So? “ Me “Um, no?” CGF “Are you sure?” Me “I’m sure I don’t know.” CGF “Well So and So is a friend of yours” Me – “ yes but as far as I know she and her husband are really happy with each other” CGF “Well I really don’t think so – she is sending my boy friend photos of her hoo ha on his work phone” Me “Um I really don’t know anything about that. I’m kinda busy here – I’m at work.” CGF “Well I want you to be honest with me have they ever been together?” Me – “Uh I don’t have any reason to be anything but honest and I don’t know anything about your boyfriend’s private life. I really have to go” CGF - more ranting about nasty messages and threats about what she will do about it. Me – hanging up phone.

Me - “Um dude, your girlfriend called me at work to see if you are sleeping with “So and So”. She says she is on her way to your office now to talk to your HR manager because she claims “So and So” has been sending you photos of her hoo ha on your work phone. Um, I really don’t want to know or hear any more about any of this – so could you please get her to stop calling me? “ Dude – “I’m sorry. She is crazy” Me – “Um – K – just don’t let her call me please. Look – it’s usually not my place but considering the call and all – here’s some advice – you need to date saner women. I’m going now, bye”

Me to voice mail – “Hey So and So, Uh I don’t know what is up or have time to discuss it or really want to either but Dude’s Crazy Girl Friend is acting crazier than usual and you appear to be the target – watch out. We do not need to discuss this - k? “

I really debated the quickest way to extricate myself from this. I considered saying nothing to anyone. I’m still not sure if that would have been the best course. But I really wanted to stress to all of them to LEAVE ME OUT of this. And it’s kind of hard to do that without mentioning it.

For the future I intend to not answer any calls from that phone number!! Especially not at work. Other than finding friends with better judgement about whom to date - any other suggestions for me to stay OUT of this loop?

60 second update

2010-05-04T07:50:00.002-04:00

Got promotion at work and thus got insanely busy.
Threw hissy fit of epic proportions over length of time to buy house.
Got permission to occupy house pre close.
Got closing date the next day.
Moved from camping out at the hotel to camping out at the house.
Scrubbed said premises for 2 days to acceptable cleanliness levels.
Officially closed on house.
Made fast trip to old house to prep for moving company.

There - you are up to date.

Preview of coming attractions-
Pissing off people all over at new job - hey its what Quality does.
Conquering the boiler system in new house so we can have hot water even when we do not want the heat on.
Moving all our worldly possessions into new home.

The Meek May Inherit the Earth

2010-04-20T20:33:00.001-04:00

But I'm pretty damn sure it will not happen until after the bitchy are thoroughly done with it.

Thinking about parenting?

2010-04-19T12:56:00.004-04:00

If you want to parent, if you really, really think you are ready then go read this now. Or this. Or anything you find here

I'll wait.

If you can read that and agree - Love IS the tears and worry and heartbreak and stress and swallowed anger and rearranging every minute of your life to handle someone else's issues. Then MAYBE you are ready. Maybe.

And that goes for all parents regardless of how they get there - normal reproduction, assisted fertility, or adoption.

No child comes with a gaurentee - not one.

Torry Hansen

2010-04-16T13:38:00.001-04:00

Well, in spite of all the issues this case could raise and the opportunity it presents to truly do something about a deeply flawed process, most of the press continues to revolve around one woman and her actions, Torry Hansen. Opinions, among other AP’s and the general public, seem to swing between a reluctant sort of sympathy and violent loathing. I believe that it is because, as parents, the only way to view her is through the prism of our own parenting experiences. We project onto her what our best hopes and worst fears are about our own parenting. She is a kind of human Rorschach test for adoptive (and even non adoptive) parents.

Can I see where the “there but for the grace of god and the help of my support net work go I” crowd is coming from? It’s a stretch for me but yes I can. All parenting is hard. Parenting a child with issues doubly so, doing it alone without a co parent to lean on in times of crisis – exponentially so. But I think it is more than just that. We want to understand and maybe even justify Torry, if only a little, because even though we have not done the same thing, we have had our own dark moments, times when we feel like we have failed our children in some way. If her act is understandable, even if ultimately unjustifiable, well then our own more minor transgressions are all the more so.

Do I also feel the pull of the “But we CHOSE this path” coalition? Oh yes – even more than the other. Because we did – I did - choose to parent. And I further chose to parent a child through adoption and one with issues. I researched and educated myself. I went into this with eyes open. I may not have fully understood – not in the way someone who has lived the experience understood but I was not naive by any means. I have not nor will I ever give up on my Little Man – not even when it is hard. Other parents I know have had even harder issues to deal with than any I have faced and they have not given up. Because you just don’t – parents do not give up on or give away their children.

- - - Except --- Wait – Take a moment and just think about that. ---

Did it slap you upside the head too like it did me? Parents DO give away their children. Wherever adoptive parents are making the choice to parent there is a parent on the other side that CHOSE*** NOT TO parent. ***OK – “wherever” is a serious overstatement. I do recognize that there are a lot of cases where the surrendering parent had no choice – cultural or economic pressure forced their actions. Also coercion and outright baby theft do happen. But there are cases where parents choose not to parent and generally as a society we celebrate that choice. We hold them up as courageous, loving birth parents that make the ultimate sacrifice of their own happiness for their child’s well being. It can’t be just me that has stumbled into this mind bending conundrum – parents that choose not to parent and give up their child for adoption are being selfless and loving but this adoptive parent is selfish and cruel for making the same choice?

I know a lot of people will say they do not object to her choice just to the means of implementation – and on the means of this disruption I can honestly say I have seen no division of opinion – you just cannot justify shipping the child back alone with a note no matter how you may try. But I really believe that even if Torry Hanson had surrendered her adopted son properly to the authorities she still would have been vilified. It would not have been as sensational a story and so it may have not played out in the international press. But among parents that heard of it she would have been subjected to the same weird blend of thin pity and heavy blame. And I think it’s because of our own insecurities - our worry that at least some of the time - we are not doing enough or not doing the right things for our children.

Torry gives us reassurance that we are not so bad. We can say “I may have (insert whatever parenting blunder bothers you most here) but I would NEVER do what she did.”

Adoption Disruption

2010-04-15T08:37:00.003-04:00

This whole topic upsets me in a deeply personal and visceral way. I know that I cannot really write on it with any sense of objectivity. I am going to try and explain where some of this intense reactivity comes from before I even start to offer an opinion or perspective on the current disruption in the news. I think I have mentioned before one of my siblings is a kinship adoption. Meaning one of my brothers was actually a cousin adopted when his mother abandoned him. He had two other biological siblings. My family was willing to take the sibling group but their mother was insistent the others be placed with their biological fathers’ families. My brother’s father had no family to speak of and the father himself was in prison. So he came to us at the age of six months. When he was 5 my brother was kidnapped by his biological mother who kept him for 6 years. Our whole family was traumatized by this loss. Personally, I don’t just remember the loss I felt – I still feel it. Having had a family member “stolen” away like that - the very idea of just giving one up and sending them back like a defective toaster pushes about every button I have.

I talked a bit in my last post about some of the problems our Little Man has. There is no way of knowing at this point how serious or long lasting the effects of his abuse, institutionalization, and adoption will be. So far the issues we have had to deal with are, in my opinion, pretty mild. They are frightening (when he is there in front of me hurting himself), stressful (melt downs or tantrums in public), and at times exhausting (his refusal to sleep) but none of them have been outside what I expected or what I had told myself I was prepared to deal with. Is the reality ever more intense that what I had thought it would be? Sure, at times. Then again – the love i have for him so much more intense than I ever imagined too.

I’m one of “those people” that believe Adoption is forever. I do believe that there are children whose needs are just outside of what a normal family can meet and I have no magic answer for them. The case inthe news may have been one of these. Perhaps Artyom is beyond living in an average family - or even in any family setting. We don't know. But to my mind - for ALL parents it comes down to this - You are the adult. It was your responsibility to educate yourself and prepare yourself for what you were getting into. You had a choice. In fact you had several - to parent or not, to accept this child or not, to educate yourself and prepare or not. The child had NO choice - not about being born, not about being seperated from his first family, and not about being adopted. If you were not going to ride out the “what ifs” no matter what they turned out to be – you should not have chosen to parent. You don’t get to walk away - I’m sorry you just don’t. And I say that knowing full well that someday I might be in their shoes. I hope not. I will do everything in my power to help my Little Man so he is not one of those poor lost children – the hopelessly, irretrievably damaged who suffer their whole lives for the mistakes made by others. Everything I have researched says early intervention does make a difference. But there is no way for me to know for sure it is not already too late. With FAS and abuse in the mix – there are no guarantees. And guess what - it just doesn’t matter. He is mine now. He always will be.

Having a child or adopting it – to my mind there is no difference. You have signed on – until death do you part – to be that child’s parent. You may only be legally responsible for them until 18, and perhaps by law you can somehow separate yourself from that child before 18, but you are morally responsible to be a good parent to them forever. So don’t sign on unless you are ready to do the full term. No guarantees or warrantees of fitness for use or of reliability are conveyed with the child and there are absolutely no returns.

Post Institutional Parenting

2010-04-14T09:53:00.001-04:00

I adore Little Man. I would not for a minute change the decisions made to make him a part of our life. But that does not mean there have not been times when some post institutional behavior has not had me at wits end. How do you prepare someone for a 2 year old that pulls out his own hair or bites and tears at their own skin until they are bloody? What is the right way to stop that behavior? I know what we have done, but was it right? I have no idea. I held him as gently as possible while still restraining him from doing it. I would encourage him to some different repetitive behavior like sucking his fingers instead of biting or twirling his hair instead of pulling. So far that has worked – and that is what I let guide me./ what seems to be effective. He was already sucking on his fingers – so now he sucks his fingers more but he does not bite himself any more. He fusses nonstop with his hair and mine at bed time but he does not pull it out. He no longer digs at his arms, eyes, and face with his fingernails but he still hits himself and slams himself against objects when upset or frustrated. So now we are working on those.
Our tactics go something like this - If the behavior seems non dangerous, try ignoring it. ( If it seems like a typical three year old tantrum I might put him in a brief “time out” or “time in” but no other reaction.) If it seems odd, repetitive, or serious then address it with the minimum intervention needed to be effective. Take the hitting and flinging himself about for example - I take his hand when he hits himself and tell him “no hitting my baby” while I kiss it or I say, “owie –silly boy- that’s hard” and direct him toward something soft to fling himself on. I hope by following this method we are gradually reshaping the behaviors to less dangerous alternates and not reinforcing “maladaptive behavior”** while still protecting him from self harm. It’s my fervent prayer that as he is more verbal he will be less frustrated and this sort of thing will just go away. But the truth is – I don’t know that it ever will.
(**”Maladaptive behavior” we were told is the development of serious self harm as the only way to get attention in over crowded orphanages. During our visits I did not see “maladaptive behavior” getting attention – children having tantrums or head banging etc were for the most part ignored. Children complying with the current activity were the ones attended to. But then our contact with the children as a group was pretty limited.)
With post institutional children it seems that even as you resolve existing issues new ones pop up. Some of this is not that different than any parenting I think. Children go through phases and have to learn different developmental skills and lessons. Our daughter has already gone through the fibbing stage and what I like to call “the great unwashed” where kids take an aversion to all things cleanliness related. I guess the difference is, with a special needs child, you don’t know for sure that existing issues will not continue to show up again, or escalate, his whole life. I can’t know if the abuse Little Man has suffered has damaged him forever in ways we cannot love and mold away. How do you adequately prepare someone for that?

This is why I believe institutionalized children offered for adoption should be screened as well as the parents. Why subject a child that will not thrive in a family setting – one with serious RAD or FAS, who does better in a rigidly controlled institutional setting – to the trauma of a disrupted placement? Why match a child with serious needs with a family that is not prepared even in their own minds to deal with the child’s needs? Put aside the fact that without experience prospective parents may not fully understand what it will mean. At least give them adequate warning.

I don’t have all the answers and I’m glad I don’t have to. Our responsibility is to our own Little Man. We knew he would have special needs. We knew that they might be serious. All we can do is love him and keep trying. We find help when we need it and always do our best for him even though sometimes it’s hard. Our best may not be perfect but we are his parents and that is our job.

As I expected

2010-04-13T10:04:00.001-04:00

It seems that the response to the tragedy surrounding poor Artyom Savelyev is being reduced to the same old standard positions. Adoption supporters like the Joint Council on International Children's Services are rallying the troops to petition the US and Russian governments to keep the process open as is. They do throw in the standard – “Of course prosecute child abusers to the max extent of the law” message. But no one on the Pro adoption side wants to discuss essential questions that should be asked:
Was this a simple case of an abusive or neglectful adoptive mother?
If it was, HOW did she get through the screening process?
HOW OFTEN could / does this screening process fail so badly?
How is it that the post placement visit just completed turned up NO SIGNS of the issues this family was obviously having?
If there is more going on here – if Artyom Savelyev is, as his adoptive family claims, seriously psychologically damaged and dangerous:
How is it that his issues were not identified and clearly communicated to the prospective adoptive family?
Was Artyom Savelyev ever screened and evaluated for his ability to adapt to family life?
What preparation was given to the prospective adoptive family for dealing with his issues?
What support did the agency involved have in place for them after they arrived home?
These are the kind of questions which, while in no means inclusive enough, would help improve the adoption process and insure it is focused on what is best for the children.
I suspect if a truly thorough and honest investigation were done of the process (not going to happen – I doubt we will even see one of just this parent and this agency) we would find that the immense amounts of money involved in processing adoptions glosses over all kinds of issues during the screening of prospective adoptive families. Just the surface facts coming out in the flood of articles on this specific case raise some flags for me – She changed the name of a 7 year old? Isn’t that a bit insensitive? Wouldn’t you question a bit deeper or probe a bit to be sure the prospective parent realized that the child coming to them already had an identity, including personality and habits, that they may find as foreign and difficult to handle as the name they were intent on getting rid of?

It’s not just the agencies motives that are tainted by the money involved. I believe the local ministries and orphanages in Russia are affected too. The “bad old days” of outright bribes may be (for the most part) behind us but the fact remains that there are too many children and too little funding to care for them all in the orphanages in Russia. Foreign agencies may not be able to “buy” babies but they certainly will direct their charitable activities and funding toward those orphanages that they process adoptions from rather than those they do not. So the directors of orphanages have a motivation to keep children flowing. And the children that are most difficult to place domestically – i.e. those with the most problems, medical or psychological are the ones offered for adoption internationally. You can give the most charitable interpretation to that – “these children need the most and will get more support and medical care in the US” but regardless of the reason – the fact is almost ALL children adopted from Russia have some level of special needs.

Russian specialists, we are told, have examined the Artyom and found him “completely normal and healthy”. Really? After just being abandoned by his adoptive family? He’s completely normal? Or completely normal for a post institutional child? Completely normal for a child who has already undergone serious social deprivation and trauma from the disruption of his first family and then his adoptive one? I suspect that they are saying the latter – that he has no more than the “normal issues” THEY WOULD EXPECT. The problem is when a report of “the child is normal” is delivered to most prospective parents – they expect “Normal for any child raised in a loving family from birth”. They have no idea what “normal for a post institutional child” looks like. Agencies are required to give 10 hours of training now to prospective adopters about what sort of issues post institutionalized children may have. But having gone through both the training and the real life experience of some of those issues, I would say it is woefully inadequate. The problem is –I’m not sure how you prepare someone for the reality of parenting a special needs child.

Sigh

2010-04-12T14:27:00.001-04:00

I have not written directly on adoption in awhile and then today I had a friend send me a copy of this article. Go ahead and check it out. I’ll wait.
Yeah, so now I am sitting here with this queasy feeling waiting for the latest battles in the adoption wars to break out. I have so many thoughts on this that I am having a hard time organizing them or expressing them coherently. But I’m going to try because I just cannot “no comment” this story. First of all though, let me say I am not going to blindly vilify this woman nor am I going to roundly denounce the Russian government’s proposed ban on American adoptions. I don’t see how this one article provides nearly enough objective evidence for either of those stances. This is likely to make me unpopular with both the pro and anti adoption crowd. I’m ok with that. I rarely form my opinions based on whether they will make me popular with any group or individual.

My first thought on reading this was that poor kid!! He may or may not have been badly treated at his adoptive home –there is no way for us to really know. We know he cried. He may have cried when discussing his treatment there because he was relieved to be away from a bad situation, or he may have cried because he was going to miss what had been his home for 6 months or maybe he was just tired and afraid of the questioner. The thing is WE DON”T KNOW. What we do know is that this is a child that has been without his first family for a long time already and has now suffered another disruption and will live with the trauma of both of those facts his whole life. We don’t really know if he was a perfectly happy , well adjusted, well behaved child – a complete joy to be around at all times (doubtful –given all he has been through) or a total mess, sociopathic, dangerous and miserable (HIGHLY doubtful).** The most likely case – although also not established by evidence – is that he was somewhere in between. Having suffered through the disruption of his first family, then lived in an institution for some lengthy time, and then going through another profound shock as he left his language, culture, and everything familiar for a new home / family he very probably had some level of physical, emotional, psychological and or social issues. Regardless - there is no way suffering through a disrupted adoption improves that for him.

** the media LOVEs to focus on the most sensational stories and so skew perception to be that dangerous, sociopathic” orphans” are common. Reliable research shows otherwise. The extreme cases are very rare.

My next thoughts were how this is going to impact other children eligible for adoption or already in the process. It could actually be good for them – IF it led to positive adoption reforms. My natural skepticism leads me to believe that is unlikely though. The most likely result – using history as a predictor – is that it will just make an already highly convoluted, money tainted, and overly politicized process even more so. International politics, social dynamics and influence (money) already play far more heavily into adoption than the welfare of the children involved. In my opinion, the best interests of the child are the only factor that should be driving the process.

I don’t think I have ever been unclear in my positions on adoption but just for the record:
I do not think taking children from parents (or single mothers) is ever in the best interest of the child unless there is clear evidence of real neglect or abuse. In those cases, I do think removal is best for the children and that their needs trump any concept of parental rights.

I do believe a stable loving family environment is the right of every child and always the best situation for them.

I do support adoption when it is the best way to serve the child involved.

I do believe that when it is possible placement with relatives who can provide a stable loving family environment is better than placement with strangers and that placement with people of the same cultural background and language who can provide a stable loving family environment is better than the alternate.

I also believe it is nearly impossible to place every child in need in the optimal conditions and that a stable loving family environment with strangers or across cultures and languages is still better for them than institutional living and that institutional living is better for them than an abusive family situation.

Unfortunately, while this terrible incident will stir up all kinds of talk of reform I doubt it will lead to meaningful action. It will almost surely create more red tape and bureaucracy but I doubt it will do anything to get the money and politics out of the process or address any of the social or cultural factors that play into adoption.

Go Figure

2010-03-29T20:34:00.003-04:00

We have been having trouble sleeping in the hotel - Edward, myself and Little Man. Oddly enough we all slept like logs last night. The same night that young man fled from the local pharmacy he tried to rob for drugs at gun point and holed up in the room next door to us. Three SUV's of state troopers, tow city police cruisers, four county sheriffs and a K-9 unit surrounding the hotel and walking our hall did not even register.

I am SO ready to be out of this hotel!!! At least we did not end up sleeping like the dead (or with any).

The Klampetts are moving in

2010-03-26T11:07:00.001-04:00

Been too damn busy but thought I'd give you an update. Yes, we found a house! Yes, a nice structurally sound house that is not in a flood plain and that is in our price range. Actually we got a real steal. We are paying about half of the asking price because the current owners are desperate to be done with it in today’s real estate market. The house is in a very posh neighborhood. Our next door neighbor has these huge wrought iron gates in front of their place. Our 3000sq foot place looks like the gate house next to his place. We’ve been joking that we will look like the Beverly Hillbillies next to the other residents.

Of course it needs some updating to make it ours – there are color choices we would never have made that just have to be changed. (A Pepto-Bismol pink bathroom – Really!!! Why?!? It’s like showering in a giant stomach.) I’m busy working on the mortgage paper chase right now. I’ve heard lots of people complain over the document trail you need these days following the subprime meltdown but after assembling an adoption dossier this is a cake walk. (Which to me is just as it should be. Much as a person’s home means to them - our son is infinitely more precious.)

Little Man and Eden both like the house – and most importantly it has plenty of room for them to play both in their bed rooms and the two spacious “family” rooms not to mention the formal dining room that will probably never see any formal dining. I do plan on retaining the Formal living room as a slightly more formal company space but it will still be kid friendly - just not for boisterous or every day play. I’ve never seen the point in sectioning off parts of the house only to be used by people who do not live there. My family had a formal living room and formal dining room when I was growing up. They got used maybe 4 days out of a year and were off limits the rest of the time. What a waste!

I’m not one of those crazy people that think their kids belong everywhere all the time. I teach my kids to respect formal places and events and how to properly dress and behave at both. I get really irritated by people who drag children to events or places they are clearly not old enough to attend and even more irritated by people who make no attempt to teach their children how to behave appropriately in various public venues. So I’m not against a little pomp and circumstance if the occasion calls for it – I just can’t see giving over a bunch of my living space to it on a day to day basis. We are going to live more informally than that.

So, Y'all stop by now, ya hear?

Blue, blue, blue

2010-03-17T06:53:00.002-04:00

Edward is not liking this move. It's too soon to make a decision on it. We have not even moved out of the hotel yet but I hate seeing him so unhappy. He hates being out of work which I cannot help with. He hates being so far from his family and friends - again nothing I can do. I feel useless and like it is all my fault.

What are they thinking? Have they been under a rock for the last year?

2010-03-15T14:23:00.003-04:00

That is my question of the day. People are so delusional!! “Yes,” you are thinking, “So what prompted this amazing revelation this time, eh?” In a word – well two really - House hunting. It is astounding the prices people will slap on even a “sub optimal” property. Have they not heard about the mortgage meltdown??? I will spare you the obvious stories about the houses better suited to be kennels, or ashtrays, or garbage dumps, or doggie dumps for canine smokers. Here are a few highlights from the ones we were actually considering – at first.
Both of our hands down favorite was what I nicknamed the “Lodge”. It is an immense Tudor style house built in the early 1900’s. It sits on 10 acres but the land all stretched back from the home so the house itself is on a quiet street at the edge of a cute little town. It was close to work and not too far from the nearest city. It was decorated very nicely and had oodles of charm. (We are talking fully renovated baths and still fireplaces in the bed rooms – yowza!) It also had a dry rotted roof and major water seepage in the basement. It was not past the point of salvage but with the asking price you would need a lot more money in the bank to properly care for it than we could afford. We were both really sad to have to let it go. But after several wistful sighs we moved on.

My 2nd favorite was the 5 bedroom, totally reconstructed - never lived in Cape Cod style house with 7 acres, a river front property in a very nice neighborhood of an absolutely darling little town. The key words here for you should be “totally reconstructed” and “riverfront”. From there you can surmise the derivation of my nickname for it - “Flood house”. Flood house’s owners, we were assured, “were very eager to sell – just make them an offer”. Duh, yeah – would that be because the house was completely under water a few years ago, had to be rebuilt from the foundation up and requires so much flood insurance that if we were stupid enough to buy it we would have to take out a 2nd mortgage just for the flood insurance in addition to the one for the cost of the house? I really did love the town but – no.

Then there is the “Leaning Chimney”, a great six bed room with 8 acres, an in ground pool, and a barn. It has hard wood floors, granite counter tops and a HUGE full wall, field stone fireplace which looks fabulous at first glance. Unfortunately, the chimney of that fireplace is slowly separating from the house and leaning back over the stairs to the kitchen entrance. Not only is it a danger in terms of someday falling and crushing someone as they enter or leave AND of catching the house on fire if you actually USED the fireplace, it is also pulling the field stone wall of the family room with it as it goes. Call me picky but structural integrity is big deal for me in a house – next.

Let me tell you, you can see A LOT of real estate in 4 full days of looking. What is depressing is how little of it is worth looking at.

Fairness

2010-03-09T12:10:00.000-05:00

I have let loose some serious rants on my husband’s sister on my blog from time to time. In fact, since this is a venting spot for me and I don’t have to worry about hurting feelings I can be kind of – well let’s face it - I am not a nice person and it shows. Therefore, I feel compelled to mention that at the moment she is being rather awesome all in all. I dunno exactly why I feel compelled to mention it because – well - you guys don’t know her. But considering how really great she has been I guess some tiny niggle of conscience on my part has kicked in. Her parents are splitting up after 38 years of being married. Her brother and I are moving and taking her nephew with us. Oh yeah – her mom (whom she is by far closer to than I am to – well probably any one in my family really) is moving with us too. Her niece will be around THERE a lot less often because she will be HERE instead. All in all, this is a really crappy deal for her.
And she has been nothing but nice about it. She is picking up our mail and watching our pets. She assembled a list of stuff we forgot in our initial packing that we need even though we are still in temporary housing. She came up last weekend bringing Eden. And on top of all that, found time to write me a very nice note of encouragement because she knows I am worrying about making Edward unhappy with this move. I’m sure I will complain again – we seem to irritate each other just by existing most times – but there is no doubt she is a nicer person than I am.

What Goes Around

2010-03-08T15:49:00.001-05:00

You know I really should feel worse for Edward than I do right at the moment. I know this move is hard on him in a number of ways – he had to give up his job and will have to find a new one and job hunting sucks, he is leaving the area he has lived his whole life and all his family is there not here, he hates being cooped up inside and he is ending up staying at the hotel with Little Man for now while I work. The fact that he moved at all shows how very much he loves me. And for the most part I am deeply sympathetic to how hard this is and very grateful to him for how good natured he has been over all of it. In fact it drives me crazy that this makes him unhappy in any way – almost.
The qualifying comes in over him being the primary caregiver for our Little Man (just for this week). I think, like most men, he assumes staying home all day with the kids is just like being on vacation. I’m pretty sure he is finding out otherwise. And I can’t help but relish it a bit. A better woman would squelch that little gleeful internal chuckle when he is describing how Little Man over flowed his diaper before waking and pitched fits all morning then refused to nap and used toothpaste to rub down every surface of the bathroom. But I’m not a better woman. We all know this already.
It would go smoother for him if he would keep Little Man on his normal schedule. Up and eat at 7, snack at 9, lunch at 11:30, nap 12:30 to 2:30, then snack, and viola reinforcements (Mama) arrive 2 hours later about 5 ish. But he is seeing how impossible it is to do much of anything he might want to do in the times slots available with this schedule and with a three year old in tow. The very first day we were both on our “new jobs” – I got the 5:00 “where are you?” call. I wonder if he made the connection to the many times I called to ask when he was going to be home. It’s funny to listen to him say the same things I have – “I love spending time with him – I just want some grown up time now… I changed two of these today now it’s your turn. Etc.”
He has adjusted Little Man’s schedule to suit himself – Edward likes to sleep in till 8 or 8:30 (Little man is usually up by 7 at the latest) and so he has been postponing nap until to get the desired later bed time / wake time. I have not said anything because – well – if he is in charge then it is his decision. I don’t think it hurts Little Man in any way but when he gets back into preschool – which I am working on registering him for – well that schedule is NOT going to work so he will have to deal with the shift back.
I’m not really enjoying watching him suffer – I just want it to be educational - yeah that’s it. I want him to appreciate how hard what I have been doing is, that I have not just been “on vacation” for two months. You believe me don’t you? I’m a terrible person and a horrible wife, aren’t I? I honestly do feel really, really bad about how much he misses his friends and family – does that help? I’m gonna pay for this I just know it.

Working Man's Blues

2010-03-05T14:46:00.002-05:00

I know, I know - I've only been back at work a week how can I have the blues? The truth is I don't really - it just seemed like a good title and I love blues music. I am pretty tired though. Somehow even though I would not consider myself to have been working all that hard yet I still leave exhausted each day and now at the end of the week I feel doubly so. At least some of that has to be from being spoiled for the last few weeks - being able to sneak in a nap when Little Man was. My new employer seems a lot more humane than Mega Corp was but I still think they would frown on napping. I don't know of any companies enlightened enough to allow for that. Can you imagine how great it would be though if they were?

Anyway I think the rest is from plain old mental overload. I am trying to cram as many names, roles, terms, processes and procedures into my brain as possible every minute of the work day. I'm definitely not accustomed to being the one who doesn't know anything so its an uncomfortable place for me and I'm trying to ramp up my knowledge base as quickly as possible. I think I'm making decent progress but you know me decent is never good enough - I always want to be the super star. Not necessarily in terms of lime light - but I enjoy being one of the most productive and knowledgeable in a group and I'm pretty far from that at the moment. I'll get there but we all know patience is not my strong suit.

So, If I had to evaluate the first week I'd say overall it went well and I'm about where I expected to be. I'm missing my old work friends and my old easy competence but I'm also excited by the challenges here and so far all the people I have met are pretty darn nice. Like I said - no real blues here so I guess I'll just be singing them for the fun of it.

Fretting

2010-02-27T01:05:00.004-05:00

Here's an issue I have been wrestling with, should we go through with readopting Little Man here in the states or not? It is not necessary for his adoption to be recognized as legal nor for is it needed for his citizenship. So that would seem to say – "why bother"- but it is more complicated than that.
If we do not readopt in the US then Little Man will have a heck of a time whenever he needs to produce a birth certificate for anything here in the US – like getting his driver’s license etc. His Russian birth certificate and naturalization papers are an acceptable substitute – according to the LAW. However, as I learned when getting him his social security card, not all local bureaucrats are aware of that. The fight I got into at the social security office was not pretty but after making my way through two levels of supervisors, I finally found someone who actually knew that I was quite correct in insisting that Little Man did not have to have a US birth certificate.

We had similar trouble when I tried to register him for school and they wanted his birth certificate. Of course they did not want to accept the Russian one. I hate to think of him having to deal with that kind of hassle over and over. Also, I have the copies of his Russian birth certificate and naturalization papers in our fire proof safe for now but what if they got lost or damaged at some point in his future. He would have a hell of a time getting the Russian birth certificate reissued from here I imagine. The only way I am aware of to get him a US birth certificate is to readopt locally. From that perspective it seems like it might be a good idea.

On the other hand, I have read a lot of writings from adult adoptees who are very unhappy at having their original birth certificates replaced by a legally fictionalized one. The Russian government insists on issuing a new birth certificate removing the first parents names and putting in the adoptive parents as part of the adoption process. There was no way for us to avoid that. I have kept his original with his first mother's name for him but we had to get the other done as well. If we readopt in the US that will put yet one more layer between Little Man and his original documentation. I have no way of knowing at this point how big an issue this will be to Little Man when he is not so little any more. And I have no frame of reference to understand how strongly he may feel on the issue. To me – the non adopted – it seems as though it would be a small thing – after all I have the original for him and it would make many things easier for him in the future but I realize from reading the writings of adult adoptees that this is a major issue to many. This is exactly why I read adult adoptee blogs – even when I find them painful or unpleasant. No matter how much experience I have relating to adopted siblings – I am not adopted myself and cannot claim to truly know how they feel. Reading their perspectives helps me look at things differently and consider the different impact things may have for my son.

Unfortunately, in this case it has not made the decision clear to me, just given me a conflicting perspective to fret over. At the moment I am doing nothing – which in itself is making the choice to not readopt at least for now - but I can’t say I consider the issue closed yet.

Nasty Little Secret

2010-02-15T14:22:00.002-05:00

I have a nasty little secret to confess to you all. I am and have for years been totally addicted to house porn. No – not naked photos of Hugh Laurie! I mean House is way cool and he has those great eyes and all but um – the full monty? No thanks.

I mean sexy and revealing photos of actual houses. Most of the time I can keep it to the soft core stuff – you know House Beautiful, Architectural Digest if I was going high brow (you know house erotica – not porn), Country Home, that sort of thing. Oh sure I would spend hours over the Better Homes and Gardens double issue but it was still ok. I mean, I really only bought them for the ARTICLES you know; 101 ways to organize your home office, that kind of thing. I mean being more organized is a good thing right? Right?

Lately though I have to admit- I’ve gone off the deep end. I’ve been looking at Remodelers Digest, those catalogs of New House plans, the Home Renovators web site. It’s not just pretty shots of open cabinets any more but bare wall struts, wiring, even piping!! And I’ve been obsessively looking at the real estate listings. I have my “type”. I pull up the same photos over and over and read their stats and fantasize about looking them over in person. There’s nothing WRONG with my current house you know. ** It’s not like its falling down on its end of the relationship. Sure it can be a little confining and needy at times. But all relationships are work right?

Can I be really, really honest with you – of course I can. Its not like you can call the vice squad on me. I’ve even contacted a broker. No seriously. I made an appointment for next week. It’s shameless they way they hawk their wares. No human trafficker would dare be so brazen. I should be ashamed but I can’t help the guilty thrill. I can hardly wait.

** Nothing wrong other than not being in the same state as my NEW JOB that is!!!! How’s that for burying the lead?

I'm a tad bit scared.

2010-01-31T23:25:00.004-05:00

Little man has grown 7 inches and 4 shoe sizes in 9 months. I'm wondering if he is some how related to Aleksandr Aleksandrovich Karelin. ***

They were born in the same part of Siberia after all. It's possible. The growth rate has to taper off at some point right? If not he's going to be six feet tall before he's 8 years old.

*** For those who don't know Karelin is like the most famous super heavy weight Greco Roman wrestler of all time - he stands 6 foot 3 inches and weighs 286 pounds. He's a national hero in Russia.

Decisions

2010-01-22T17:12:00.001-05:00

She's BAAAAACK

2010-01-18T23:25:00.003-05:00

My evil twin that is. She's pretty pissed she missed her chance at Mega corp. I know a lot of you were surprised by that but really come on - it was about WORK - it was AT work. Work - she has often informed me - is what other people do so they can afford to buy her things.

I was fairly unsympathetic to her bitching about not getting a chance to cut loose with her skills on my former employer. I reminded her that vengeance belongs to God.

Her reply - Yes darling I know but he still needs an instrument.

I'm afraid.

Stupid stupid stupid

2010-01-07T15:39:00.002-05:00

I'm feeling ridiculous and extremely mad at myself at the moment. I have a good solid lead for a good solid job and instead I'm all whiny over this old house that is up for sale near here. My MIL and I were joking around about how it would be great to buy and fix up into a B&B - maybe even run a little gift shop out of it and do brunches / special events. All of the sudden my mind just took off.

How I have a fabulous photographer friend that could do art photos for the walls in return for advertising where they come from, and an aunt that works miracles refinishing furniture to help get it furnished in style, and multiple people I know that are massage therapists - can you say couples massage for that romantic weekend get away. Heck there are lots of local art / craft places for tie ins and I could start up a book club and regular scrap booking events at the place to both get people familiar with it and perhaps sell some refreshments those evenings. Wine tastings from local vineyards...

You can see how off the deep end I went in a very short time. When it suddenly occurred to me I need to be packing to leave for my interview and all this is well and good for a fantasy but one would need a significant chunk of start up capital that I just don't have, I burst into tears.

I'm the practical person - not the flighty one. Time to get back to business. I'm sitting here pissed at myself because I can't get over the weepies. This is just stupid and it is not me damn it.

Back in the Saddle

2010-01-06T09:04:00.002-05:00

I was kind of stressing last night about jumping right back into work - I really WANT some time to focus on Little Man. I had a couple months when we first got him true but we were so new to each other. I wanted some time to just enjoy and I was feeling like this was a headlong rush right back to the rat race. Then suddenly it dawned on me. My life can be how ever I CHOOSE it to be. (I'm supposed to be relatively bright - how come the simplest things elude me so often?) So this morning we got up and I made french toast for breakfast then rice and veggies and turkey slices with gravy to pack for his lunch. We played around while brushing his teeth and now he is at school. I'm taking my MIL to her accountant in a few min and I'll do my interview after that. Then its home to snuggle little man for his nap.

If I feel like the job is going to be a 14 hour day pressure cooker - I can say NO. Just like I did to Chicago. Lord knows its not like I don't have two other options to review just this week. I can't expect to have some fantasy where someone pays me millions to just stay home and enjoy my boy but I don't have to let my life get out of control unless that is what I choose either.

How come I have to keep learning this same lesson? I swear I've been here before!!

Now this is just silly!!

2010-01-05T15:04:00.003-05:00

Guess who just called all frantic.

If you guessed Mega Corp you'd be right. Seems their QC manager walked out on them and since I've done that job (best damn QC manager they ever had - and that's a quote from folks there not me) they'd like to talk to me - before Friday apparently.

Methinks they have a mole.

I'm just befuddled.

So much for getting things done around the house

2010-01-05T14:46:00.002-05:00

Now I have an interview this Friday to prepare for. I suppose it is really ungrateful of me to be annoyed that this couldn't happn like a month from now.